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networking

When Do You Feel Included?

Amy C. Waninger · 2020-02-18 ·

Recently, I had a conversation with young woman from the United Kingdom. She asked me about the stickers I use for my Network Beyond Bias program. The stickers look like name tags. They say “Hello! I feel included when…”

Hello. I feel included when...

Usually toward the end of my programs, I prompt the audience to ask one another, “How can I help you feel included?” or “When do you feel included?”

This is something that gets lost in our day-to-day work. It’s very rare for a manager to ask this question when someone new joins their team. It’s a simple question. How can I help you feel included? What makes you feel included? This question has tremendous power because it helps you understand very quickly how to show respect and appreciation for another human being.

If you’re a leader, whether you have a management title or not, it’s your responsibility to make sure that the people around you feel welcome and feel included.

This prompt, “I feel included when…” is one to which people respond all sorts of ways. Some people feel included when someone asks their opinion. Sometimes I’ll have people say to me, “I feel included when I get invited out for happy hour.” And usually I ask, “Do you go?” And they say “Never, but I want to be invited.”

Sometimes I have people say they feel included when there’s clear communication. Or when they’re involved in important decisions that affect them. Some people feel included when you ask to see pictures of their children. For others, it’s when you don’t mention their families. For each person it’s different. It’s important because when we have different dynamics on teams, we often talk about treating everybody the same. Instead, we need to realize everyone wants to be treated a little bit differently.

Rethinking the Golden Rule

The Golden Rule says we should treat others as you want to be treated. The Platinum Rule, on the other hand, implores us to treat others the way they want to be treated. That’s an important distinction. If I want to be invited to happy hour and someone else doesn’t want to be invited, you might invite us both to treat us the same. However, you may have made someone else feel excluded by extending the invitation. On the flip side of that, if you ask me about my family, I feel very included. When someone else does not want to discuss their family, you’ve inadvertently created a trust gap between you and that person.

It’s important to get down to the heart of what makes each person feel valued and what makes each person feel special.

When Do YOU Feel Included?

So tell me, what makes you feel included? It may be something simple like people pronounce your name correctly. Or it may be something a little bit deeper and more complex. Either is okay.

The idea here is that we get to know each other a little better. When we show an effort to respect each other right from the beginning, it can make all the difference in the relationships that we build with each other.

After you’ve thought about this for yourself, go to work. Ask your team members, ask your boss, ask the newest person in your department, the people that report to you. “How can I help you feel included?” And then see if you can’t do that thing.

Let me know what you learn!

TL;DR? Here’s the video version:

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRvUTLXlr6Y[/embedyt]

Listening and Empathy: Critical for Success

David Rowell · 2019-11-19 ·

Listening is a skill.

Few other skills are more critical for effective communication and strong leadership than the ability to listen.

In fact listening is one leadership skill that ranks far and above all others in determining your overall success as a leader according to a new High-Resolution Leadership report from Development Dimensions International (DDI), a – report that was based on the analysis of real behaviors in assessment center simulations from over 15,000 leaders across 300 companies in 18 countries over a decade. According to the report Leaders who master listening and responding with empathy will perform more than 40 percent higher in overall performance, coaching, engaging others, planning and organizing, and decision making, according to the research.

In the workplace, the focus on listening is likely that of a tool to foster effective work. And thus, we often come to think of listening largely as a tool to gain information. Listening is a necessity to acquire essential task-based and decisional information, but also information that simply helps us be in the loop, or to fit in the culture or team, or to meet other experiential needs and desires.

Information Is Power

In my own career I also learned the lesson, many times over, that the saying holds true – information is power. Whenever I had a leading role in anything I would listen first, talk second. It may seem backward but being able to influence is much more about listening than speaking. Before speaking you must first not only have the necessary information on hand, but you must also know other’s thoughts and perspectives in order to find the influence sweet spots. Listening and influence are not mutually exclusive. Many great influencers have also been great listeners.

Listening is one of the most powerful relationship builder and/or strengthener. Listening shows respect, engenders trust and connects people emotionally and intellectually. In case you doubt the power of listening, I ask, “Who are the great listeners you know or have known?” I bet you can name them quickly regardless of how near or far they are or whether recent or past.

An Example

My cousin Barb and I grew up together and have kept mostly in touch throughout or lives. In my late forties at a time of reconnection with Barb, I told her she had always been a hero of mine, or rather the hero of mine, because of the great amount of laudable work she has done in her life. Much of her work was as a volunteer and all of it was done in service to others. When I told her she was my hero, she countered that it was the other way around.

Since adolescence I had always been her hero. And the reason was that I listened. I am several years older than Barb, but we were close even when I was a teen and she a pre-teen. She recalls perfectly the two of us talking during long walks together during a time when her life was difficult for her. I recall these times together, but I was a teenage boy oblivious to her angst. Yet the teenage boy took the time to listen to his younger female cousin.

That simple act was so important to Barb that she can recall clearly how it made her feel after all these years, and how helpful it was for her for no reason other than a caring, friendly ear. My listening touched her, and her story touches me deeply. Her story is invaluable not only as a lesson in connection, but it is also testament to the durable and strengthening power of listening.

Don’t Pretend to Listen

Another thing I learned about listening during my long career …

Don’t pretend to listen. People eventually see through any subterfuge regardless of how well you mask it.

In not being forthright you will either be seen as someone not to be trusted or someone who is only placating. In either case, you will be seen as someone not to connect with.  Listen, do not not listen.

Listening, as opposed to non-listening which occurs in various forms not presented here, has two basic forms: 1) give-and-take and 2) empathetic.

Empathetic Listening

With give-and-take listening, the more common form, a person legitimately listens with their own interests equal to what the speaker is saying. It is basically taking turns – turning on and off selfish listening with empathetic listening. There is nothing inherently wrong with give-and-take listening. But empathetic listening can yield greater value.

Research shows there is no other single leadership skill that is more important than empathy and yet, in today’s culture, it is near extinction.

There is a wealth of research that shows empathy is on the decline, A study by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research found that college students are 40 percent less likely to have empathy compared to 20 to 30 years ago. DDI’s High-Resolution Leadership report found the same in today’s workplace. Only 40 percent leaders were proficient or strong in empathy. Of the eight leadership interaction skills measured, listening and responding with empathy was one of the weakest.

We need to increase empathy. This starts with empathetic listening.

Empathetic listening is solely about the other person and what she or he has to say. This listening, sometimes called receptive or active listening, requires movement of position and/or perspective. Receptive listening is hard. We sometimes call this active listening because it requires effort. And it is the type of listening most difficult for some to master.

Follow These Steps

  1. Listen. Keep your mind quiet and process the other person’s words in a focused manner. (On average, we retain just 25 percent of what we hear, which is because of our busyness and lack of listening skills.)
  2. Repeat the speaker’s words. This is a simple form of reflecting and involves repeating almost exactly what the speaker says. Repeating what the speaker says shows you’re paying attention, at a minimum. More importantly, it ensures you did indeed hear all that was said.
  3. Rephrase. At this stage, rephrase what the other person said, using your own words. This ensures you understood and will reveal any misunderstanding. Paraphrasing involves using different words to reflect what the speaker has said. It demonstrates not only that you are listening but that you are attempting to understand.
  4. Reflect on what the other person said. Focus on the feelings behind the words. Reflect what you sense. This helps get to the real (personal) meaning of the words. Consider this “listening with your heart.”

It is difficult to resist the temptation to ask questions when you first use this technique. And it is difficult to remain completely focused and not think about your own thoughts, perspectives and experiences.

Although the rephrasing step may seem stilted and awkward, is vital to the process. When you both rephrase content and reflect feeling, others will sense your desire to really listen and understand. It also demonstrates that full and correct information was shared and that you understand it from the perspective of the speaker. It also shows you care.

If you are a good listener, you will become known as such. People will seek you out for support, and in return you gain valuable relationships as well as valuable information.

I started this article saying listening was a skill – more correctly … Active listening is an art, a skill and a discipline that takes a high degree of self-control.

Networking Goals: How Much Networking Is Enough?

Amy C. Waninger · 2019-10-21 · Leave a Comment

After a conference or corporate training event, I try to follow up with each participant. Have they made progress toward their goals? Are they using what they learned? What questions do they have? How can I help?

This week, someone sent me the following response. Their question is one that other people may also wonder about:

After attending your Network Beyond Bias workshop, I have actually been successful at expanding my network and having conversations with people who I haven’t been around as much in the past. I guess the only question I have is: How do you balance networking with the demands of the day-to-day?  I feel like there is always more that I would like to do but struggle to find the time to do that.  I also think that sometimes I am a little too reactive and not as proactive with the networking events.  Do you have any suggestions for how to balance these things?

I think the answer is different for each person, depending on their professional goals, personal strengths, and current situation. For example, someone who is planning to look for a new job in the next 12-18 months should expand their network as much — and as soon — as possible. Someone for whom retirement is imminent should focus on finding mentors who have recently made that transition, as well as a protege network if they want to stay connected to their industry. For mid-career professionals who are not planning a job change, strive to balance both breadth and depth.

Set Networking Goals

Networking goals are important to our professional development. Below are some examples.

  • Each day: Log into LinkedIn to see what folks are up to. In real-world environments, be friendly and open, and look for opportunities to connect, especially with people who differ from you.
  • Each week: Connect with someone new on LinkedIn every week.
  • Each month: Attend one networking event per month, on average. These can be virtual or in-person, and can be new groups or familiar ones. Mix it up!
  • Each month / Each quarter: Re-connect with the people in your CHAMP Network at least once per month. If you have a robust CHAMP network, be sure you have at least a quarterly touch point (email, social media exchange, coffee, etc.) with each one.
  • NEVER get complacent! The best time to build your network is before you need it.

One of the best ways to build a networking habit is to take notes using the Network Like a CHAMP Networking Activity Journal. This is the journal I use to record all my conversations when I meet new people or re-connect with colleagues. Not only do I have a record of what we discussed, I can also assess my CHAMP Network in real time. My initial goal was to fill four journals each year (one per quarter). Now, I fill one about every two months. In 2020, I hope to go through one per month!

What do you think, Dear Readers? Do you set periodic networking goals, or do you let your network grow more organically?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

 

 

“Don’t I know you?” A lesson in inclusion

Amy C. Waninger · 2019-10-10 · Leave a Comment

A fantastic question landed in my inbox, and I wanted to share it with you.

“If I run into someone I know, presenting in a different gender outside of work, how should I handle that? Do I acknowledge that I recognize them? If so, do I use the name I know them as, or do I ask for a different name?”

Before we get to my answer, let’s think about how thoughtful this question is!

  1. The individual is thinking about how to be inclusive…
  2. …for a situation that hasn’t happened yet…
  3. …with a person they may not know very well…
  4. …and is obviously stretching outside their own comfort zone.

Kudos to this aspiring ally!

There are so many implications wrapped up in this question. I have to admit, this one was a challenge.

So, What Was My Answer?

I would say, “You look familiar to me, but I don’t believe we’ve officially met. My name is Amy,” and extend my arm for a handshake.

Fellow Diversity Expert Elise James DeCruise suggests adding, “My pronouns are…” as a way to be even more inclusive. I love this extra step and appreciate Elise pushing me forward.

What’s Your Experience?

A few years ago, I found myself in this exact situation. Sadly, I was completely unprepared for it. But I’ll be ready for next time!

Cis folks: What would you say? Have you ever encountered this?

Trans and non-binary friends: Can you guide us to a more productive response?

Unemployed, Not “Unemployable”

Omer Molad · 2019-08-19 · Leave a Comment

Have you ever received a job application from someone who isn’t currently working? Were you quick to move it to the bottom of the pile? Do you equate “unemployed” with “unemployable”? Be honest.

It’s ok to admit that we’re biased. We are biased, it’s human nature. It’s easy to continue doing the things we’re familiar with. It’s easy to stay in the comfort zone.

The best way to change our mindset, and start doing something different, is to realize that’s in our best interests to do so. For example, convincing leaders that diverse companies perform better – they do, by the way – is a very compelling argument to build a diverse company. Much more so that doing it for compliance reasons, which becomes a statistic game.

So, rather than appealing to your sense of duty, I’m going to make a case that hiring someone unemployed can be a good thing for your company. Here are five reasons you should seriously consider an application from someone who isn’t currently employed by another company.

#1 – Hunger

Not having a safety net tends to sharpen our instincts. We become more determined than ever because the alternative is bleak. Determination is a great attribute in a new team member. Give me someone hungry any day.

Think about it. Hungry people are more likely to try harder. They are more likely to make the most of each opportunity. When people try their best almost anything is possible. Harness that hunger and turn it into passion.

#2 – Reflection

When people have a break for the day-to-day grind – whether it’s a forced break or a voluntary one – they have time to reflect. This is often a good thing.

Taking a step back and reflecting on what is important to us is both healthy and productive. We come out the other side with a renewed sense of purpose. We become energized.

When people have a high degree of clarity and purpose they tend to perform. They have a personal mission and, if it aligns with your company’s mission it’s a match made in heaven.

#3 – Parents

Sometimes we take time off work to care for children. Often times it’s women, but increasingly men are acting as primary carers for their newborns.

Aside from being the right thing to do, it’s smart to hire people after they’ve been on parental leave and to be a company that accommodates parents and families.

First, becoming a parent is kind of like doing a degree and serving in the military at the same time. Trust me, I’ve done all three. Parents acquire incredible new skills, and they do it at speed and without a safety net. Parents learn how to figure things out on a dime, how to negotiate, how to make the most of time and, importantly, they develop empathy. These are extremely valuable qualities in any team member.

Second, everyone else in your team will see that you care about something bigger than short term profits. They’ll see that you prioritize what they care about. That is a powerful motivator.

#4 – Resilience

People who have been out of work or changed careers have experienced rejection. It’s not easy, but it’s a necessary part of life. As a founder or CEO, rejection is unavoidable. We hear “no” from customers, investors and the media. If you are leader, you’re used to it. It never feels good but it’s important to learn from each rejection in order to avoid the next one.

Look out for people who have learned from rejection and developed resilience. You’ll know two things about them. First, they won’t crumble at the first sign of trouble. Second, they will have a strong sense of personal awareness, which means they’ll be more likely to improve at a fast rate.

#5 – Work Is Changing

Once upon a time we each worked for one company, full time, in one physical location. It’s not like that anymore. Today we collaborate in so many different ways. We work freelance or part time. We work on projects with multiple companies at the same time. We work remotely.

Just because someone isn’t working “full time,” it doesn’t mean they’re not being hugely productive, albeit in an unconventional way. Don’t judge people by the logos behind them. Look into what they’re doing and what they care about.

The next amazing innovator is just as likely to be found outside a company than inside one. Probably more likely.

Pay It Forward by Hiring Unemployed Workers

I promised this article would focus on reasons hiring someone unemployed will be good for your company, not just your soul. But guess what, it’s both.

When you step outside your comfort zone, or when you give someone a chance, good things happen. People get inspired. You feel alive.

Do it.

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