Serving Up Feedback

Can’t Take a Compliment? How You’re Punishing People Who Praise You

Amy C. Waninger · 2018-02-09 · 3 Comments

If You Can’t Take a Compliment, Expect to Stop Getting Them

Many people can’t take a compliment gracefully. You may be one of them. Do you punish people when they pay you a compliment? Let’s find out!

Imagine you just presented a proposal during a team meeting. Also, imagine your name is Joan. (I don’t know your name, so you’re going to have to work with me here.)

After the meeting, one of your colleagues gives you helpful, specific positive feedback. “Joan,” they say, because that’s your name I just gave you, “your presentation was really good. Your research on sales trends was thorough, your presentation was clear and concise, and your conclusions made a lot of sense.” Would you respond by punishing your colleague? Punishing responses are those that discourage the person from paying you another compliment. Do you hear yourself in any of the punishing responses that follow?

“Do you really think so?”

At best, you’re accusing the person of being insincere. Unless the person is a known habitual liar, this question is unnecessary. Yes, they really think so, or they wouldn’t have said so. On the other hand, if the person is a known habitual liar (they do exist), then asking, “Do you really think so?” isn’t likely to elicit an uncharacteristically truthful response.

Or perhaps you think you’re being humble. Asking your colleague to reiterate, restate, or elaborate on specific and sincere praise is the opposite of humility. On the contrary, this question begs for less specific, less sincere flattery. Can I be honest with you, Joan? No one is fooled by your attempt to get an even more glowing endorsement of your presentation.

“I don’t think it was very good.”

Again, you may think you are being humble. Or perhaps you really think your presentation sucked. In either case, this response creates unnecessary conflict. You’re essentially arguing with someone who thinks you did a great job. Two problems with this response: (1) People tend to avoid conflict, so you won’t be getting good feedback in the future if you keep this up. (2) When you push your subjective point of view, you are no longer listening. Without listening, you cannot learn.

“It was no big deal” or “I didn’t spend enough time on it”

Your colleague has just demonstrated admiration for something that you’ve done well. There are two likely scenarios here. The first is that they don’t yet have or feel confident in these skills. In this case, you are discounting your abilities, which they have elevated above their own. By minimizing your own skills, you push them down too.

The other scenario is that they are both proficient in and confident with these skills. In that case, who are you to tell them they’re wrong?

“I hope [insert manager’s name here] thought so”

Poor Barb. (We’ll pretend your colleague’s name is Barb.) You’ve just told her that her opinion isn’t important to you. Or at least not as important as [insert manager’s name here]’s. Don’t expect Barb to buy you lunch anytime soon.

Next Steps

Do you struggle to take a compliment gracefully? What beliefs, values, or identities might be getting in your way?

Are you ready for more productive responses that encourage better feedback? Bring the Serving Up Feedback, One BITE at a Time program to your organization or event, or check out our self-paced online courses.

The Secret to Getting More Praise at Work

Amy C. Waninger · 2018-02-09 · 2 Comments

Getting More Praise at Work Starts with Your Attitude

Want to know the secret to getting more praise at work? Learn to take a compliment! Accepting praise is hard for some of us. Yet, deep down, we like to know when we’re doing a good job. If you struggle with this, I have two gifts for you.

Gift #1: Permission to Enjoy Praise at Work (or anywhere else)

That’s right. I am giving you, at absolutely no cost and with no obligations whatsoever, permission to enjoy, accept, and encourage praise. You didn’t need my permission, of course. Still, if that’s what you were waiting for, you are now free.

Gift #2: The Exact Words to Use, From This Day Forward

Imagine you just presented a proposal during a team meeting. Also, imagine your name is Joan. (I don’t know your name, so you’re going to have to work with me here.)

You say, “Thank you.” That’s it. That’s the magic bullet, doused in secret sauce. Saying “thank you” expresses gratitude for the feedback. “Thank you” doesn’t dispute, downplay, denigrate, or deflect. Your colleague gets to feel good about having paid you a compliment. As an added bonus, you don’t have to hear your own voice attacking your awesome. You can stop right there and come out ahead.

If You Want to Go Further…

Ask for Specifics

If your colleague didn’t read my article or attend one of my programs about positive reinforcement, they may have said something vague like “Great meeting today.” This doesn’t give you much to go on. After all, you don’t if they’re happy because the coffee was hot or because you used a font they could actually read or because you handled a hostile question with diplomacy and grace. “Great job at the meeting today” might mean you managed to get to the room on time without mustard on your blouse. (I don’t know your life, Joan.) You won’t know unless you ask.

So, after you say “Thank you,” you can ask, “Can you tell more about that?” or “I’ve been working on my presentation skills. Your feedback is important to me. Can you tell me specifically what I did that you found effective?”

Express Some Vulnerability (Courage required)

If your colleague is praising you for something you really did work hard to achieve, let them know it. You can say, “Thank you, I worked really hard on that proposal.” You might add, “I value your feedback. It feels good to know that you noticed that my hard work.” That’s not bragging. It’s being real, and it’s being grateful for the feedback. That person’s likely to come back to you the next time you knock a presentation out of the park because they know you’re working hard to improve.

Go All In (Extra courage required!)

Another thing you can say is, would you mind letting my boss know? The people that I mentor laugh when I tell them this for the first time. They say, “What? No way! Why would I do that?” Well, how’s your boss going to know what a great job you’re doing if nobody tells her?

I’ve been a manager for a very long time. It’s always nice when somebody recognizes the behaviors, skills, and impacts of the people on my team. It gives me a chance to go find out more about a “win,” and it gives me a chance to engage my employee in a positive way. Your manager doesn’t know everything that’s going on with you. So anytime you have a chance for someone to give your manager some positive feedback about you, take it.

The first time you do this, you’ll feel weird about it. After you do it consistently for fifteen years, it gets easier. I do this all the time, as a matter of fact. I’ll say,” Thank you so much for saying that. I’m glad I was able to help you. Would you mind letting my boss know?” It’s as easy as that. They usually send an email and are glad to do so.

An Example from Real Life

In fact, a few years ago, I had helped some people with various things around the company. (Helping people is a superb networking strategy.) Some of them expressed appreciation for my help. I said, “Thank you, would you let my boss know how I helped you?” In this particular instance, something funny happened.

In the weeks between the things that I’d done and the emails that they sent, I started a new position within the same company. When people looked up my manager in our system, they got the name of my new manager. About the second day of my new job, I had a meeting with my new boss. He said, “I don’t know what you’re doing but I got three emails already this week about how you helped somebody in this group, and somebody in another group, and somebody on the other side of the country. They’re coming from everywhere, I don’t even know who these people are!”

So I got the opportunity to highlight some of my skills by telling him what I had done to help these folks in different departments. It was funny to me, because I was intending for that information to go to my old boss. As it turned out, I made a pretty good first impression with my new boss, because he was getting compliments about me before I even started working for him.

Remember, feedback is a gift. You want to make it as easy and pleasant as possible for people to give you presents. Showing gratitude is a great place to start.

Next Steps

Do you struggle to take a compliment gracefully? What beliefs, values, or identities might be getting in your way?

Bring the Serving Up Feedback, One BITE at a Time program to your organization or event, or check out our self-paced, online courses.

How will you use these tips at work?

Constructive Feedback in Four Simple Steps

Amy C. Waninger · 2017-06-20 · 10 Comments

Many people view giving constructive feedback as an odious task. Those who revel in it … well, who wants to work with those people? There is a happy middle: the caring and genuine coach who really wants to see others put their best foot forward. So, you know, be that guy by learning and practicing the skills outlined in this article.

Author’s note: For the purposes of this article, I will use the terms constructive feedback and redirection interchangeably to mean “feedback intended to discourage an observed behavior.” If you want to learn about giving positive feedback, I’ve got you covered.

Why is giving constructive feedback important?

Most of us are doing the best we know how to do. Yet we only know what we know, and we only know it from our own perspective. Often, we don’t do something a better way simply because we don’t know a better way exists. This is why I like the term “redirection.”

Other times, we may not realize the negative impact our behaviors or words are having on others. Personally, I don’t like repeating mistakes or being less than effective; most people will say the same thing.

Finally, if you are in a management role, your success is dependent upon the success of your team members. You owe it to them, and to yourself, to be that caring and genuine coach so you can all step up your game.

When should I give someone constructive feedback?

Always provide feedback in a private setting. Ask permission before giving someone feedback, unless the person has specifically asked for feedback or you have already established a trusting relationship. If you are a supervisor or mentor, you have a responsibility to provide objective, constructive feedback. I would also argue that you have a responsibility to give feedback to your coach, mentor, and manager!

In any case, you earn the right to give constructive feedback by having provided affirmation (see instructions here) to the individual in the past, usually at a 2:1 ratio or higher.

Alright, fine. I’ll do it. How does this work?

I propose a four-step method, which I remember with the acronym BITE:

Behavior:
Begin by specifically stating the person’s words, actions, or behavior that was detrimental or ineffective.

“I noticed you were struggling to stay awake during parts of the presentation today.”
Impact:
Next, describe the impact that choice had (or that it failed to have a positive impact). Bonus points if you can give the person the benefit of the doubt.

“It created the impression that you aren’t interested in the training.”
Tomorrow:
Provide a better alternative for “tomorrow.” Remember, this person probably did the best they knew how to do.

“Next time you notice yourself getting sleepy or zoning out after sitting for too long, please get up quietly and stand in the back of the room. You’ll not only appear more engaged, you’ll be better able to pay attention to the speaker.”
Encourage (or Enforce)
When appropriate, reinforce (because you’ve hopefully already established) that you want to see this person succeed and that you have confidence in their ability to do so.

“We have a long week of training ahead of us, and I’m excited to see how you will apply these new techniques to your design initiative.”

If the behavior is completely inappropriate and unjustifiable or if it recurs despite multiple discussions, it may be time to work with your Human Resources department to determine disciplinary action. That step is beyond the scope of this article, so I’m going to assume that your colleague is having an uncharacteristically rough day… Let’s move on.

Common Pitfalls

While immediate feedback is typically best, there are some exceptions:

If you or the other party are upset, or if you can’t articulate all four components of the BITE model described above, wait until everyone is calm and you have collected your thoughts.
Before you give constructive feedback or redirection, be willing to explore your motives – honestly and objectively. If your aim is anything more or less than a genuine desire to see someone else succeed – if you have any selfish interests at all – you may need to walk away from the situation entirely.

Practice This Skill

For one week, write down BITE-style redirection as you notice areas where you might be able to help someone else be more effective or efficient.

At the end of the week, ask for permission to provide some of the feedback directly. You can say something like, “I’m trying to improve my leadership skills. Could I practice by giving you some feedback on your presentation last week?” (You don’t have to speak in italics, though.)

Giving redirection can be scary, but I promise that it gets easier each time you do it. If you’re not ready to try it, practice giving positive feedback for a few weeks first!

Positive Feedback: 4 Simple Steps to Meaningful Reinforcement

Amy C. Waninger · 2017-06-20 · 8 Comments

Have you ever been told “good job!” after you’ve finished a task or assignment? I hope you have. I’m sure you have. You probably felt good about the comment for the moment, but did you really know what you did well? Giving positive feedback or affirmation to others in the workplace (and in our personal lives) is important, but not many of us do it well.

Author’s Note: For the purposes of this article, I will use the terms positive feedback and affirmation interchangeably to mean “feedback intended to encourage an observed behavior.”

Why is it important to affirm effective behavior?

Most of us have a very vocal internal critic. We see ourselves through the lens of our own insecurities. It’s often said that we “compare our insides to everyone else’s outsides.” Getting feedback about what we’ve done well helps us gain a more balanced view of our skills, behaviors, and performance. Most important, though, is that when we know we’ve had a positive impact, and we know what we’ve done to get that result, we can choose to continue the behavior.

When should I give someone positive feedback?

Always provide feedback in private first. If you want to give public recognition of someone’s effort or impact, ask them first if they are comfortable with your doing so. In a work environment, I also recommend following up with the individual’s manager when feedback is positive.

Alright, fine. I’ll do it. How does this work?

I use a four-step format for feedback. For positive feedback, the steps are Behavior / Impact / Tomorrow / Expand (BITE). This format allows you to give clear, specific, and actionable feedback to reinforce effective behaviors.

Behavior:
Begin by specifically identifying the person’s words, actions, or behavior that had a positive impact.

“Your preparation for the meeting today was very thorough, particularly your research on brand awareness.”
Impact:
Next, describe the impact the person’s choice(s) had.

“Your quick answers made a strong, positive impression with our client.”
Tomorrow:
Explicitly state that they should continue this behavior “tomorrow” or in the future.

“Next time we meet with the client, I’d like for you to duplicate that level of research and analysis.”
Expand:
If you are the individual’s coach, mentor, or manager, I suggest giving them a stretch goal in this step of the process. Be careful, though, not to create more work for the person every time they do something well. That is called punishment, and most people learn to avoid it.

“You should share your research process during the intern training program.”

Common Pitfalls

Vague praise is not particularly helpful or actionable; hyperbole tends to embarrass the person we seek to affirm. In fact, research, research, and more research suggests that praise of someone’s identity (“You are so smart!”), rather than of their effort or behavior can actually do more harm than good.

Practice This Skill

Practicing the BITE format with a live human will help you develop this essential leadership skill. Positive feedback is almost always well received — especially if you time it right (see above) — so use this opportunity to develop yourself and delight others!

Set a daily or weekly numeric target for providing positive, BITE-style feedback. Record your successes (and missteps) and observations along the way. Once you’ve mastered this skill, move on to giving constructive feedback. Think of it as “leveling up.”