Lead at Any Level

David Rowell

Life without Closets

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In a recent podcast interview, I was asked this final question: “What one thing do you know?” My answer, in short, was that we all have closets. That statement is in no way intended to detract from the very real experiences of people in the LGBTQ+ community. Rather, while acknowledging that “closets” are most closely associated with LGBTQ+ people, almost everyone feels compelled to hold something back of themselves. Most of us hide some part of ourselves in the shadows, typically out of fear (both founded and unfounded) of judgement of and rejection by others.

A recent Harvard study found that 61 percent of people closet some aspect of themselves!

This is especially true of women, and especially true in the workplace.

I had the privilege of attending a talk by America Ferrera at a recent conference. In her talk, America said, “Diversity is impactful only when we can show up in spaces as who we are. Our power comes from existing as authentically and as fully as ourselves.”

A Balancing Act for Women

In my book, Value and Voice, I focus on women’s ability (or inability) to fully participate. The barriers to full participation are many. One such barrier is the constant balance a woman in the workplace must maintain. She must exhibit enough feminine behaviors to be accepted under the social expectations of women. She must exhibit enough masculine behaviors to be rewarded based on the norms of the male-centric work environment. In other words, she must conform to conflicting stereotypes, while still existing authentically. The truth is, women have to constantly be adjusting these things. Men don’t have to ask themselves, “Who shall I be at work today?” Women do.

Is this balancing a form of closeting? I would argue yes – very much so. Despite the prominence of conversations about “authenticity in the workplace,” most women must hold back, keep in check, reserve, or closet some portion of themselves.

And while this is far too often the case for women and people in the LGBTQ+ community, anyone can be affected. I know I don’t freely share all of me. This is in large part because of judgment and potential ramifications.

Closets Take Emotional Tolls

Closets do take emotional tolls. Holding back those things we reserve very much impacts our performance. As noted by America Ferrera, the result is that we are unable to fully realize and leverage the known advantages of diversity.

Diversity is very powerful. But the advantages of diversity can only be realized when people can freely emerge from whatever closets they may occupy.

Leaders bear the responsibility of creating safe environments for everyone. But is everyone’s responsibility to embrace each other and their authenticity, to put aside judgments, to value everyone, and to make closets unnecessary.

How do we start? It’s simple. Take interest in each person. Ask about their interests. If a person has an artistic bent or hobby, or a unique talent, ask about it! And if a person expresses themselves in attire, hair style, or body art, offer words of approval. Show an interest in the person – the whole person – and watch them blossom. When a person gives more of themselves, everyone benefits. That is the real power of diversity.

Let’s imagine, and work to build, a closet-free world.

Listening and Empathy: Critical for Success

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Listening is a skill.

Few other skills are more critical for effective communication and strong leadership than the ability to listen.

In fact listening is one leadership skill that ranks far and above all others in determining your overall success as a leader according to a new High-Resolution Leadership report from Development Dimensions International (DDI), a – report that was based on the analysis of real behaviors in assessment center simulations from over 15,000 leaders across 300 companies in 18 countries over a decade. According to the report Leaders who master listening and responding with empathy will perform more than 40 percent higher in overall performance, coaching, engaging others, planning and organizing, and decision making, according to the research.

In the workplace, the focus on listening is likely that of a tool to foster effective work. And thus, we often come to think of listening largely as a tool to gain information. Listening is a necessity to acquire essential task-based and decisional information, but also information that simply helps us be in the loop, or to fit in the culture or team, or to meet other experiential needs and desires.

Information Is Power

In my own career I also learned the lesson, many times over, that the saying holds true – information is power. Whenever I had a leading role in anything I would listen first, talk second. It may seem backward but being able to influence is much more about listening than speaking. Before speaking you must first not only have the necessary information on hand, but you must also know other’s thoughts and perspectives in order to find the influence sweet spots. Listening and influence are not mutually exclusive. Many great influencers have also been great listeners.

Listening is one of the most powerful relationship builder and/or strengthener. Listening shows respect, engenders trust and connects people emotionally and intellectually. In case you doubt the power of listening, I ask, “Who are the great listeners you know or have known?” I bet you can name them quickly regardless of how near or far they are or whether recent or past.

An Example

My cousin Barb and I grew up together and have kept mostly in touch throughout or lives. In my late forties at a time of reconnection with Barb, I told her she had always been a hero of mine, or rather the hero of mine, because of the great amount of laudable work she has done in her life. Much of her work was as a volunteer and all of it was done in service to others. When I told her she was my hero, she countered that it was the other way around.

Since adolescence I had always been her hero. And the reason was that I listened. I am several years older than Barb, but we were close even when I was a teen and she a pre-teen. She recalls perfectly the two of us talking during long walks together during a time when her life was difficult for her. I recall these times together, but I was a teenage boy oblivious to her angst. Yet the teenage boy took the time to listen to his younger female cousin.

That simple act was so important to Barb that she can recall clearly how it made her feel after all these years, and how helpful it was for her for no reason other than a caring, friendly ear. My listening touched her, and her story touches me deeply. Her story is invaluable not only as a lesson in connection, but it is also testament to the durable and strengthening power of listening.

Don’t Pretend to Listen

Another thing I learned about listening during my long career …

Don’t pretend to listen. People eventually see through any subterfuge regardless of how well you mask it.

In not being forthright you will either be seen as someone not to be trusted or someone who is only placating. In either case, you will be seen as someone not to connect with.  Listen, do not not listen.

Listening, as opposed to non-listening which occurs in various forms not presented here, has two basic forms: 1) give-and-take and 2) empathetic.

Empathetic Listening

With give-and-take listening, the more common form, a person legitimately listens with their own interests equal to what the speaker is saying. It is basically taking turns – turning on and off selfish listening with empathetic listening. There is nothing inherently wrong with give-and-take listening. But empathetic listening can yield greater value.

Research shows there is no other single leadership skill that is more important than empathy and yet, in today’s culture, it is near extinction.

There is a wealth of research that shows empathy is on the decline, A study by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research found that college students are 40 percent less likely to have empathy compared to 20 to 30 years ago. DDI’s High-Resolution Leadership report found the same in today’s workplace. Only 40 percent leaders were proficient or strong in empathy. Of the eight leadership interaction skills measured, listening and responding with empathy was one of the weakest.

We need to increase empathy. This starts with empathetic listening.

Empathetic listening is solely about the other person and what she or he has to say. This listening, sometimes called receptive or active listening, requires movement of position and/or perspective. Receptive listening is hard. We sometimes call this active listening because it requires effort. And it is the type of listening most difficult for some to master.

Follow These Steps

  1. Listen. Keep your mind quiet and process the other person’s words in a focused manner. (On average, we retain just 25 percent of what we hear, which is because of our busyness and lack of listening skills.)
  2. Repeat the speaker’s words. This is a simple form of reflecting and involves repeating almost exactly what the speaker says. Repeating what the speaker says shows you’re paying attention, at a minimum. More importantly, it ensures you did indeed hear all that was said.
  3. Rephrase. At this stage, rephrase what the other person said, using your own words. This ensures you understood and will reveal any misunderstanding. Paraphrasing involves using different words to reflect what the speaker has said. It demonstrates not only that you are listening but that you are attempting to understand.
  4. Reflect on what the other person said. Focus on the feelings behind the words. Reflect what you sense. This helps get to the real (personal) meaning of the words. Consider this “listening with your heart.”

It is difficult to resist the temptation to ask questions when you first use this technique. And it is difficult to remain completely focused and not think about your own thoughts, perspectives and experiences.

Although the rephrasing step may seem stilted and awkward, is vital to the process. When you both rephrase content and reflect feeling, others will sense your desire to really listen and understand. It also demonstrates that full and correct information was shared and that you understand it from the perspective of the speaker. It also shows you care.

If you are a good listener, you will become known as such. People will seek you out for support, and in return you gain valuable relationships as well as valuable information.

I started this article saying listening was a skill – more correctly … Active listening is an art, a skill and a discipline that takes a high degree of self-control.

Status Quo: How Male Allies Can Effect Change

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I happened to be visiting a city recently where I had family and a couple of meetings. Between engagements, I stopped for some lunch and sat outside to enjoy the beautiful weather. While I was sitting on a bench in a surprisingly not-so-clean park, a gust of wind lifted up my napkin. As it danced in the air, I thought to myself “Ah, just let it go – the place is littered anyway.” For the record, this is atypical for me as I’m a strong anti-litter guy. As luck would have it the wind blew it back right where it started. It actually landed right on the bench next to me. It occurred to me then how the littered environment adjusted my thinking, or more correctly how I adjusted my thinking to the environment. That day I was willing to accept litter and my being complicit  with it. But that is what happens, people adjust and get comfortable, and complacent. They don’t often challenge. And status quo remains so.

We Don’t See Who’s Not There

Too often we accept things as given. Women are underrepresented, and undervalued, in a great many places. Most people simply accept this, and just don’t notice. In fact, only 33% of men believe there is gender bias in the workplace. Far fewer (only 10%) believed that women are treated unfairly at their own workplaces. Men have become so accustomed to seeing mostly men in power positions that when just one woman is added among nine male leaders, 50% of men say that is good female representation.

Recently, I was working on gender issues for a large federal agency. At their national training center, I noticed an evaluation exercise was taking place with an all-male group. I asked the exercise coordinator why all the evaluators where male. He said, “Because these are the guys that always do it – I know they can.” I pressed on, “Are there women who would also have the capability?” He had to pause and think. “Yes, but …”

This is no isolated incident. For example, 75% of all conference speakers are male. (Editor’s note: Here’s a woman for your keynote stage!) And progress is not being made. There has been a 25% drop in the number of female Fortune 500 CEOs since 2017, for example. This, despite media’s attention on the outliers, the rare new female face at the head of the corporate table.

Status quo remains status quo until challenged.

Where Are the Women?

One way to challenge is very simple – just ask, “Where are the women?”

If you see an imbalance in male panelists at a conference – ask, “Where are the women?”

When you see a conference program that is dominated by male speakers, ask, “Where are the women?”

And when you walk into a meeting where most of the seats are occupied by men, ask, “Where are the women?”

Of course, this is not an original idea. “Where are the women?” has been written about in the Huffington Post, Fast Company, and any number of other publications. But that does not mean the call to action is heeded.  Even where obvious disparities exist, too few speak up and ask even simple questions concerning the disparity.

Why Don’t We Ask?

When people witness any number of forms of injustices, there are three key reason why they don’t act:

  1. Bystander effect – the belief that others will take responsibility and act
  2. Conformity – pressure/fear/trepidation against upsetting the opinion of the majority or to act against it.
  3. Psychological standing – a sense of not having skin in the game – the sense that it is irrelevant to them or not their place to intercede.

Do you recognize conformity as “not upsetting the apple cart”? Accepting things as given, rather than challenging the situation? Comfort and complacency go hand in hand.

I do wonder about that park I ate lunch in, how many people notice the litter and how many would notice one more piece of trash. What if I had not only picked up my own trash, but also started picking up a good deal of it. Would others join in, or would they just think I was nutty: fighting a losing battle, and musing about what difference I could possibly make. I don’t have these answers, but I do know others witnessing my actions would consider those actions if only briefly. The starting point to solving any problem is to get people to consider the problem.  To get others to see that status quo, especially where unacceptable, need not be accepted as given. Sometimes it takes just one person, and perhaps just a couple of words to shed light that turns into actions by others.

“Where are the women?”

by David S. Rowell – The Parity Consultant

Learn more about David’s work at http://www.parityconsultant.com