Lead at Any Level

David Rowell

Vulnerability: Why It’s More than Okay to Ask for Help

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In my years working in leadership and diversity instruction and consultation, one of the most powerful lessons I learned myself was how much power there is in acts of vulnerability. And in the spirit of that lesson, I freely admit that even with my years of experience in this field, I learned this fact only relatively recently. It was only about four years ago when a colleague mentioned it in one of her own articles. And it has been a rare day that I have not thought about it in both my practice and my personal life. It is a lesson that warrants cognizance and practice on a daily basis.

What Is Vulnerability?

Being “vulnerable” in this context is not simply a matter and practice of revealing one’s shortcomings, weaknesses, or errors; nor one’s personal secrets. Rather it is being authentic – real and honest. And yes, not hiding things. Especially when such hinders relationship advancement (professional or personal).

Yet, being vulnerable is, for one thing, about sharing – making known. There is a very subtle difference in simply admitting weakness and sharing such openly as a matter of revealing one’s authentic self. For example, in my profession, I know a number of women who experience “imposter syndrome”. Just stating such could be simply informative. But in being vulnerable, such a woman would open herself up to explain not only the situation or condition, and not only its professional effect but also personal ramifications. In this way, we reveal the authenticity.

What makes this ‘vulnerability’ more powerful than simply stating one’s possession of this trait, is that in revealing the effects, ramifications, and struggles, a door is opened. And through this door opportunity is found to address any fallibility. Perhaps more importantly, create a connection to others, often as a matter of empathy. (And the power of relationships should be a given.)

The Power of Vulnerability

I have come to believe strongly in the power of vulnerability. I also believe strongly as a leadership instructor in the importance of leading by example. So, before I go further, I will make my own confession … though I am an experienced professional in a field that is very relationship-centric, and although I am well versed in communications and confidence in support of my work, I am an introvert. So much so I am challenged in my work. Some people have even suggested that my difficulty in making interpersonal connections might indicate that I am on “the autism spectrum.” In admitting my struggle to my friends and colleagues, I have seen the powerful responses to this vulnerability. This has come in the form of very helpful advice and increased camaraderie, which has greatly aided in my success.

The Flip Side: Risk

We must acknowledge, however, that there is risk in vulnerability also. For one thing, it opens up the possibility of others taking advantage. But one must focus on the idea that they are exchanging personal security for the greater good. This is by far the most likely outcome. It may not be readily believed by some, but most people are good-natured. And most people will help if they can see a way in which they can. Vulnerability allows offers of help to become visible.

An Essential Component of Trust

I said vulnerability is sharing. I will also say it is caring. It shows you care enough to open up. And as the old Zig Ziglar saying goes “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”. Through caring you connect, and open doors to exchange. Caring is very important in personal relationships of course, but also professional ones.

One of my professional offerings is teaching ‘trust’. I won’t go into detail, but it should not be surprising to state that trust acts as gas pedal in relationships ( again, both personal and professional); Distrust acts as a brake. And so, it can be seen that one power inherent in vulnerability is the ability to create trust. The three Cs are essential for trust: Competence, Character, and Caring. In fact, of the three, caring builds trust most quickly. This is a fact. Vulnerability, caring, and trust are thus inextricably entwined.

Where to Begin

The question is how does a person introduce vulnerability? There are several ways but here I will give one – something I call ‘intent statements’. Again, in teaching trust, I also preach leading off with honest, open statements that indicate one’s intent in any given situation or relationship. You can easily build vulnerability into intent statements. In fact, it can be said that intent statements themselves are a matter of vulnerability. The two thus nearly synonymous.

The last thing I will say in regard to vulnerability is that among the many powers that are product, the greatest might be the power of freeing oneself personally. When a person is truly authentic personal strength flows at much higher levels. People of subterfuge or façade, carry burdensome weight. Many a person in the LGBTQ+ community has learned this in “coming out.” Yes, there is a risk in doing so. And there are real potential negative consequences and ramifications. And these causing some to not expose themselves so. But a great many others will tell you that coming out was the best thing they’ve done in life. It empowered them.

Vulnerability for most of us doesn’t have to occur at such a paramount level. It can be much smaller expressions of authenticity. It may, for example, be as simple as admitting a fear. I can tell you it is not easy to identify ways in which to be more vulnerable. But I can also tell you that if you acknowledge it as a strength, and don’t shy away from vulnerability, dividends will be paid out, both extrinsically and intrinsically.  Embrace vulnerability as tool and asset.

Pink-Collar Jobs

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Gender imbalance in the workplace is still the norm in many professions. Continued societal conditioning and bias play key roles. Many still see separate and distinct “jobs for women” and “jobs for men.” These beliefs have reinforced obstacles for gendered job migration. Jobs historically staffed by women are known as “pink-collar jobs.”

A Thought Experiment

Imagine two subway cars joined together. One car represents traditionally male-dominated jobs – for example, engineering. The other represents traditional female jobs – caregiving, for example. Historically, only men boarded the engineering car. Most women, being in positions of lesser power, deferred to men’s stature and stubborn positioning and boarded the second car. This was the norm year after year, stop after stop.

Through normal attrition, men and women left their cars. Occasionally there was movement between cars, with the rare woman boarding the first car, and the rarer man boarding the second. Over time, things began to change. More women pushed their way into the first car, while most men held kept their seats. This is how the patriarchy worked for years. Men held firmly to their seats; when they did make space, it was largely for other men.

The women who pushed themselves onto the crowded, male-dominated engineering car got in but seldom got a real seat – at least not without much effort. For one thing, the arrangement of the car favors males, creating a disadvantage for the women on board. Still, with effort and time, the balance has gradually shifted ever so slightly. Women are figuring out how to claim their seats in greater numbers.

The resulting image is largely of Car 1 with a lot of pushing and posturing. However, we lose sight of the dynamics happening in Car 2. The people in the second car, the caregiving car, largely sat still and were free of struggle.  In Car 2, there never was a space issue. Car 2 had plenty of room and plenty of seats – for either sex. If more people on Car 1 simply opted for Car 2, the struggle would be greatly lessened. Of course, many women still board Car 2,  but very few of the men do.

What Happens Next?

Space for more women necessitates that either (1) men are displaced through competition where there is little turnover, or (2) a number of men must voluntarily take up positions more traditionally held by females. Women ‘leaning in’ can’t alone dismantle the deep structural inequities. What is needed is for men to ‘lean out’ – and make space by choosing alternate seating.

Suppose that a number of men in this imaginary situation did voluntarily leave Car 1? The balance would not be pushing and bumping but rather balanced flow – equal numbers of men of women wandering onto either car in near equal numbers. To make that a reality, we need only get a number of men to opt for Car 2.

It can be a tough sell, however, and will require some imaginative solutions to truly balance roles. For one thing, we are fighting a situation that has become ingrained over a long period of time. This has caused deep-rooted persistent tendencies.

Nature vs. Nurture

In studies of communal-style communities, such as kibbutz, where people are entirely free to choose occupations and where gender neutrality is a goal, 70 to 80 percent of women still choose occupations in which they work with other people and children, especially caregiving and education. Men still gravitate to work in the fields, construction, and maintenance. Fewer than 18 percent of men cared to work with children or the elderly. An anomaly? Statistics say that in richer countries with better education, more favorable gender laws, more equal pay, more sociable acceptable mixing of genders in careers, in short, more free choices, more women still choose non-masculine and non-male-dominated careers.

These preferences are wrought from comfort – what has been made comfortable for women and what has been made comfortable for men over time. Often we see the side of the argument that says that men are too stubbornly comfortable in Car 1 to leave it without at the same time seeing there are many ways Car 2 is not yet made comfortable for men.

Part of male comfort is that of practicality. Men still often take the jobs that pay the most because they need, or feel they need, to be the primary breadwinner. And the amount of pay greatly disfavors going to the pink car. Car 2 lacks value, real and perceived, as a result of historically rewarding men in Car 1. Car 2 is painted pink and given the pejorative name – pink-collar jobs. The color and the word itself – pink – are synonymous with weak and of less value in our society.

Moving Men into Pink Collar Jobs

Pay disparity, however, could be rectified through equal pay legislation among other things. We need only commit to adding appropriate value to undervalued professions such as teaching.

The bigger hurdle is male social pressure. Even in these times men are not only not encouraged toward Car 2 – they are, more often than not, discouraged. Men are still given funny looks (by both sexes) when they board Car 2. And the future is not encouraging.

While there is much movement to get girls into STEM, for example, there’s been no movement to get men into pink jobs. Public encouragement, like that of Girls in Stem initiatives, aimed at getting men to consider non-male-traditional jobs could make a lot of space for women in Car 1. But again, the reason such encouragement is absent is deeply ingrained societal masculine and feminine ideals. Consider how many reading this article have pushed females to move to Car 2, but at the same time have kept mum about what jobs males might pursue?

Until men are encouraged in some way to ride Car 2, actually enticed to go into caregiving professions for example, and openly accepted there, Car 1 will remain crowded with seats at a premium, and men still sitting stubbornly and not giving way without a struggle.

Very few see gender balance in this way. Rather than dealing with the pink car, the focus remains on the blue one. An exception to this is Norway. Norway has long been a leader in gender equality.  But the country wants to go even further. An increasing number of men have now been given incentives and are taking up traditionally female jobs – especially in the nursing and childcare sectors. Incentives are exactly what is needed.

The Role of Organizations

Organizations need to embrace this example.  As much as an organization may want to recruit and hire female engineers, they need to first account for the space. It’s very difficult for organizations to have more female engineers or CEOs until they have more male administrative professionals. Only so many majority-dominated jobs open each year, while at the same time male favoring structures compound the issue of limiting Car 1 access to females. Organizations may have to take up the mantle and incentivize pink-collar jobs for men. If not, then it is left to slow-moving governments, or slower moving societal perspectives.

There is a tipping point in seeing gender roles differently, one that is helped along by leveraging role models in the workplace, as another solution. If we could get more cross-overs between cars these can be leveraged through visibility. As it stands more males pursue science because they believe themselves better at it since science has had a male face. However, in studies where both women and men were shown photographs of other people in other roles (e.g., doctor, police) and then asked to list their own traits, rather than noting what traits they might already possess, they identified traits more aligned with what they saw. Their own self-concept changed through imagery alone. The more we see images of women engineers or male caregivers, the more it becomes acceptable on both conscious and unconscious levels. In the same way, we are using images of females in stem we need to use more images of male nurses, teachers, etc.

Training as a Tool for Equity

Another solution is training. Masculine and feminine (socialized) traits can play a large role in career selection. For example, empathy being practiced and evidenced in more females makes it more likely that women will select careers where empathy is an asset, such as caregiving. In fact, in the field of medicine, women choose pediatrics much more often than men do and the result is an imbalance in that field. This can be changed however … change one’s skill set and one’s preferences may change also. Take empathy for example. Once empathy is mastered as a product of training and/or practice, career options expand both in preference and in opportunity. Just like mastering the skill of swimming may lead a person to become a lifeguard. If we trained empathy in men, for example, they might feel more inclined to seek more caregiving jobs.

Pink Collar Jobs: In Summary

These are just a few ideas to consider in tackling job inequalities. We can continue to work on issues in the blue car, but we must also acknowledge and address issues with the pink car as well to fully achieve equity.

Let’s first start with raising awareness by sharing articles such as this.

By David S Rowell

Author of Value and Voice – Solutions to Organizational Gender Balance

[email protected]

Life without Closets

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In a recent podcast interview, I was asked this final question: “What one thing do you know?” My answer, in short, was that we all have closets. That statement is in no way intended to detract from the very real experiences of people in the LGBTQ+ community. Rather, while acknowledging that “closets” are most closely associated with LGBTQ+ people, almost everyone feels compelled to hold something back of themselves. Most of us hide some part of ourselves in the shadows, typically out of fear (both founded and unfounded) of judgement of and rejection by others.

A recent Harvard study found that 61 percent of people closet some aspect of themselves!

This is especially true of women, and especially true in the workplace.

I had the privilege of attending a talk by America Ferrera at a recent conference. In her talk, America said, “Diversity is impactful only when we can show up in spaces as who we are. Our power comes from existing as authentically and as fully as ourselves.”

A Balancing Act for Women

In my book, Value and Voice, I focus on women’s ability (or inability) to fully participate. The barriers to full participation are many. One such barrier is the constant balance a woman in the workplace must maintain. She must exhibit enough feminine behaviors to be accepted under the social expectations of women. She must exhibit enough masculine behaviors to be rewarded based on the norms of the male-centric work environment. In other words, she must conform to conflicting stereotypes, while still existing authentically. The truth is, women have to constantly be adjusting these things. Men don’t have to ask themselves, “Who shall I be at work today?” Women do.

Is this balancing a form of closeting? I would argue yes – very much so. Despite the prominence of conversations about “authenticity in the workplace,” most women must hold back, keep in check, reserve, or closet some portion of themselves.

And while this is far too often the case for women and people in the LGBTQ+ community, anyone can be affected. I know I don’t freely share all of me. This is in large part because of judgment and potential ramifications.

Closets Take Emotional Tolls

Closets do take emotional tolls. Holding back those things we reserve very much impacts our performance. As noted by America Ferrera, the result is that we are unable to fully realize and leverage the known advantages of diversity.

Diversity is very powerful. But the advantages of diversity can only be realized when people can freely emerge from whatever closets they may occupy.

Leaders bear the responsibility of creating safe environments for everyone. But is everyone’s responsibility to embrace each other and their authenticity, to put aside judgments, to value everyone, and to make closets unnecessary.

How do we start? It’s simple. Take interest in each person. Ask about their interests. If a person has an artistic bent or hobby, or a unique talent, ask about it! And if a person expresses themselves in attire, hair style, or body art, offer words of approval. Show an interest in the person – the whole person – and watch them blossom. When a person gives more of themselves, everyone benefits. That is the real power of diversity.

Let’s imagine, and work to build, a closet-free world.

Listening and Empathy: Critical for Success

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Listening is a skill.

Few other skills are more critical for effective communication and strong leadership than the ability to listen.

In fact listening is one leadership skill that ranks far and above all others in determining your overall success as a leader according to a new High-Resolution Leadership report from Development Dimensions International (DDI), a – report that was based on the analysis of real behaviors in assessment center simulations from over 15,000 leaders across 300 companies in 18 countries over a decade. According to the report Leaders who master listening and responding with empathy will perform more than 40 percent higher in overall performance, coaching, engaging others, planning and organizing, and decision making, according to the research.

In the workplace, the focus on listening is likely that of a tool to foster effective work. And thus, we often come to think of listening largely as a tool to gain information. Listening is a necessity to acquire essential task-based and decisional information, but also information that simply helps us be in the loop, or to fit in the culture or team, or to meet other experiential needs and desires.

Information Is Power

In my own career I also learned the lesson, many times over, that the saying holds true – information is power. Whenever I had a leading role in anything I would listen first, talk second. It may seem backward but being able to influence is much more about listening than speaking. Before speaking you must first not only have the necessary information on hand, but you must also know other’s thoughts and perspectives in order to find the influence sweet spots. Listening and influence are not mutually exclusive. Many great influencers have also been great listeners.

Listening is one of the most powerful relationship builder and/or strengthener. Listening shows respect, engenders trust and connects people emotionally and intellectually. In case you doubt the power of listening, I ask, “Who are the great listeners you know or have known?” I bet you can name them quickly regardless of how near or far they are or whether recent or past.

An Example

My cousin Barb and I grew up together and have kept mostly in touch throughout or lives. In my late forties at a time of reconnection with Barb, I told her she had always been a hero of mine, or rather the hero of mine, because of the great amount of laudable work she has done in her life. Much of her work was as a volunteer and all of it was done in service to others. When I told her she was my hero, she countered that it was the other way around.

Since adolescence I had always been her hero. And the reason was that I listened. I am several years older than Barb, but we were close even when I was a teen and she a pre-teen. She recalls perfectly the two of us talking during long walks together during a time when her life was difficult for her. I recall these times together, but I was a teenage boy oblivious to her angst. Yet the teenage boy took the time to listen to his younger female cousin.

That simple act was so important to Barb that she can recall clearly how it made her feel after all these years, and how helpful it was for her for no reason other than a caring, friendly ear. My listening touched her, and her story touches me deeply. Her story is invaluable not only as a lesson in connection, but it is also testament to the durable and strengthening power of listening.

Don’t Pretend to Listen

Another thing I learned about listening during my long career …

Don’t pretend to listen. People eventually see through any subterfuge regardless of how well you mask it.

In not being forthright you will either be seen as someone not to be trusted or someone who is only placating. In either case, you will be seen as someone not to connect with.  Listen, do not not listen.

Listening, as opposed to non-listening which occurs in various forms not presented here, has two basic forms: 1) give-and-take and 2) empathetic.

Empathetic Listening

With give-and-take listening, the more common form, a person legitimately listens with their own interests equal to what the speaker is saying. It is basically taking turns – turning on and off selfish listening with empathetic listening. There is nothing inherently wrong with give-and-take listening. But empathetic listening can yield greater value.

Research shows there is no other single leadership skill that is more important than empathy and yet, in today’s culture, it is near extinction.

There is a wealth of research that shows empathy is on the decline, A study by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research found that college students are 40 percent less likely to have empathy compared to 20 to 30 years ago. DDI’s High-Resolution Leadership report found the same in today’s workplace. Only 40 percent leaders were proficient or strong in empathy. Of the eight leadership interaction skills measured, listening and responding with empathy was one of the weakest.

We need to increase empathy. This starts with empathetic listening.

Empathetic listening is solely about the other person and what she or he has to say. This listening, sometimes called receptive or active listening, requires movement of position and/or perspective. Receptive listening is hard. We sometimes call this active listening because it requires effort. And it is the type of listening most difficult for some to master.

Follow These Steps

  1. Listen. Keep your mind quiet and process the other person’s words in a focused manner. (On average, we retain just 25 percent of what we hear, which is because of our busyness and lack of listening skills.)
  2. Repeat the speaker’s words. This is a simple form of reflecting and involves repeating almost exactly what the speaker says. Repeating what the speaker says shows you’re paying attention, at a minimum. More importantly, it ensures you did indeed hear all that was said.
  3. Rephrase. At this stage, rephrase what the other person said, using your own words. This ensures you understood and will reveal any misunderstanding. Paraphrasing involves using different words to reflect what the speaker has said. It demonstrates not only that you are listening but that you are attempting to understand.
  4. Reflect on what the other person said. Focus on the feelings behind the words. Reflect what you sense. This helps get to the real (personal) meaning of the words. Consider this “listening with your heart.”

It is difficult to resist the temptation to ask questions when you first use this technique. And it is difficult to remain completely focused and not think about your own thoughts, perspectives and experiences.

Although the rephrasing step may seem stilted and awkward, is vital to the process. When you both rephrase content and reflect feeling, others will sense your desire to really listen and understand. It also demonstrates that full and correct information was shared and that you understand it from the perspective of the speaker. It also shows you care.

If you are a good listener, you will become known as such. People will seek you out for support, and in return you gain valuable relationships as well as valuable information.

I started this article saying listening was a skill – more correctly … Active listening is an art, a skill and a discipline that takes a high degree of self-control.

Status Quo: How Male Allies Can Effect Change

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I happened to be visiting a city recently where I had family and a couple of meetings. Between engagements, I stopped for some lunch and sat outside to enjoy the beautiful weather. While I was sitting on a bench in a surprisingly not-so-clean park, a gust of wind lifted up my napkin. As it danced in the air, I thought to myself “Ah, just let it go – the place is littered anyway.” For the record, this is atypical for me as I’m a strong anti-litter guy. As luck would have it the wind blew it back right where it started. It actually landed right on the bench next to me. It occurred to me then how the littered environment adjusted my thinking, or more correctly how I adjusted my thinking to the environment. That day I was willing to accept litter and my being complicit  with it. But that is what happens, people adjust and get comfortable, and complacent. They don’t often challenge. And status quo remains so.

We Don’t See Who’s Not There

Too often we accept things as given. Women are underrepresented, and undervalued, in a great many places. Most people simply accept this, and just don’t notice. In fact, only 33% of men believe there is gender bias in the workplace. Far fewer (only 10%) believed that women are treated unfairly at their own workplaces. Men have become so accustomed to seeing mostly men in power positions that when just one woman is added among nine male leaders, 50% of men say that is good female representation.

Recently, I was working on gender issues for a large federal agency. At their national training center, I noticed an evaluation exercise was taking place with an all-male group. I asked the exercise coordinator why all the evaluators where male. He said, “Because these are the guys that always do it – I know they can.” I pressed on, “Are there women who would also have the capability?” He had to pause and think. “Yes, but …”

This is no isolated incident. For example, 75% of all conference speakers are male. (Editor’s note: Here’s a woman for your keynote stage!) And progress is not being made. There has been a 25% drop in the number of female Fortune 500 CEOs since 2017, for example. This, despite media’s attention on the outliers, the rare new female face at the head of the corporate table.

Status quo remains status quo until challenged.

Where Are the Women?

One way to challenge is very simple – just ask, “Where are the women?”

If you see an imbalance in male panelists at a conference – ask, “Where are the women?”

When you see a conference program that is dominated by male speakers, ask, “Where are the women?”

And when you walk into a meeting where most of the seats are occupied by men, ask, “Where are the women?”

Of course, this is not an original idea. “Where are the women?” has been written about in the Huffington Post, Fast Company, and any number of other publications. But that does not mean the call to action is heeded.  Even where obvious disparities exist, too few speak up and ask even simple questions concerning the disparity.

Why Don’t We Ask?

When people witness any number of forms of injustices, there are three key reason why they don’t act:

  1. Bystander effect – the belief that others will take responsibility and act
  2. Conformity – pressure/fear/trepidation against upsetting the opinion of the majority or to act against it.
  3. Psychological standing – a sense of not having skin in the game – the sense that it is irrelevant to them or not their place to intercede.

Do you recognize conformity as “not upsetting the apple cart”? Accepting things as given, rather than challenging the situation? Comfort and complacency go hand in hand.

I do wonder about that park I ate lunch in, how many people notice the litter and how many would notice one more piece of trash. What if I had not only picked up my own trash, but also started picking up a good deal of it. Would others join in, or would they just think I was nutty: fighting a losing battle, and musing about what difference I could possibly make. I don’t have these answers, but I do know others witnessing my actions would consider those actions if only briefly. The starting point to solving any problem is to get people to consider the problem.  To get others to see that status quo, especially where unacceptable, need not be accepted as given. Sometimes it takes just one person, and perhaps just a couple of words to shed light that turns into actions by others.

“Where are the women?”

by David S. Rowell – The Parity Consultant

Learn more about David’s work at http://www.parityconsultant.com