Lead at Any Level®

Essential Skills for Inclusive Leaders

David Rowell

Living Oar-to-Water

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I just finished watching the documentary Losing Sight of Shore, and I am once again awestruck about human perseverance and accomplishment.  The documentary follows the extraordinary journey of six brave women known as the Coxless Crew that rowed 8,000 miles across the Pacific Ocean from America to Australia. Unsupported, and rowing grueling long 3 legs of four crew, these women endured extreme mental and physical challenges for nine months living at sea. In doing so they showed the limitlessness of human capacity and endurance. By anyone’s measure, these incredible superwomen added a new definition to the word success.

Putting My Oars in the Water

In my own life that level of accomplishment will, in all likelihood, elude me, as it will with most people. And no one really expects that level of accomplishment from most of us anyways. Yet many people hold onto seemingly lofty expectations unrealistically put upon them by media and other sources of professional and personal guidance. This is especially true of women in calls to rise up and smash glass ceilings. While it is true women and men alike should see themselves as limitless, it must be understood that making history, winning a championship, or presidency, is not for everyone.

As a consultant, I am cognizant of the business of consultancy. I can be honest and say that as much as being a leadership consultant is about being a catalyst to others’ success, of which most of us are indeed passionate, it is also about making money. And in this, I’m afraid too much of the focus is on raising women and men to C-suite positions or the like.

Again, this is especially true as it comes to women. We exert so much effort into getting more women to reach higher and higher professional positions, often with being a board member or other such lofty position as the finish line. There is not a thing wrong with that goal. But consultants need to avoid the trap of targeting that work alone in the interest of going where the money is. And all of us need to avoid the trap of thinking that kind of success is the only measure of professional success.

Define Your Own Goals

Losing Sight of Shore makes the statement “everyone has their Pacific to cross.” This is true. Your Pacific is your own unique challenge and your own unique goal. There are many people who would prefer to do their job well and simply make a positive impact in the doing, rather than rising through the ranks. Instead of rowing, or climbing the corporate ladder, they want to participate, or influence, or build relationships or simply secure an income to benefit themselves and their families.  Living, not fighting. You must define your own success, and not allow others to define it for you. You alone must give great consideration to and determination of what it will take to see yourself as a successful person. And we consultants have to do a better job of working toward your definition of success and not anyone else’s.

Build a Habit

A big takeaway from the film for me was that in addition to the physical and mental anguish endured, there was a whole lot of routine. The Coxless Crew women rotated between sleep and rowing two hours on and two hours off day in day out. Stoke by stroke in a seemingly endless sea. Such is the case for most of us also in seeking our goals. This too is too often lost on us, there will be many more days of necessary doing, than of achieving.

I have completed a few marathons in my adult life. I always tell people it’s not the marathon that is hard but the endless prep of one plodding footfall in front of the other over and over mile after miles. Days and days of this to ready for one event of a couple of hours duration. And it is similar as an author also, write and edit, write and edit, write and edit to the point where one more look at that one sentence makes you want to scream. For you it might be doing that same presentation yet again, preparing that same report, or resolving yet another technical problem.

Stroke, stroke, stroke.

The Journey Is the Worthier Part

At the end of it all, one of the female rowing crew members said “I thought this trip was going to be about the goal, but only now do I realize it was about the journey.” And that may be the biggest point of all. There is plenty of evidence that backs the claim that setting goals is the way to ensure progress. However, our lifespan is a compilation of goals reached. But those goals are just markers. Heralds of progress, yes, and likely yielding some reward, but your goals reached are not life itself. Goals are fixed points, living is dynamic. I might think the remarkable women on that boat would say something similar. Your life is lived every day in incremental activity. There are so many more days that you not reaching a goal then those in which you do.

Incremental Improvements Matter

In the end, what I think you can best do for yourself, and maybe what we consultants might do a better job of assisting with, is in improving daily performance incrementally. And just, or more, importantly improving the person living each day. In the midst of whatever Pacific is yours, if you can put oar to water, as good or better than the last stroke, and at the same time look up and see the sun and clouds in their natural splendor, and allow these things to fill you and make you a better human, success will be a natural outcome. It will be a good life, a successful life, continuous rather than simply a fixed target.

Improve living.

Selling to the Heart (Not the Head)

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Selling one’s ideas is a daily occurrence for many professionals. In my case, as a diversity consultant, it is often incumbent upon me to sell my diversity training and consulting services. To be honest, when I go to sell a proposal, for example, I often fall into the same trap that I will I caution against in this article. The trap I fall into, and caution strongly against, is relying on business logic to carry my argument. Too often I feel compelled to simply demonstrate return on investment (ROI), instead of aiming for the heart.

A Common “Selling” Mistake

From my perspective, using statistical evidence to sell diversity is a no-brainer. I can cite infinite statistics supporting the benefits of good diversity and inclusion practices. But I do this more often than I should, at least more often than I make the real case, that being the human argument.

I recently decided to write a blog article about empathy. While contemplating the topic in a coffee shop (my go-to creative space) I actually witnessed something I thought would make a great story to lead off with. However, rather than simply using that story as the full thrust of the article, I caught myself immediately going to google to try to find some compelling facts and figures concerning the science of empathy or what have you. Of course, there is plenty of hard evidence in support of empathy, yet, and especially so on this topic, I initially turned away from the most compelling argument. That of course was the incident itself that played out right before my eyes – the human story that I had actually witnessed and could relate to others. I almost blew it but caught myself, and hence perhaps the impetus to this article.

Take a Cue from Mr. Rogers

A very dear friend, colleague, and just an all-around good guy, Richard Brundage (author of The Heart in Communicating) tells a story in his communications workshops about Fred Rogers (yes, Mr. Rogers) addressing pediatricians as a keynote speaker at a large conference. What would Mr. Rogers have to say to an auditorium of physicians?

He talked about children. It was not a talk about procedures or drugs or billing or costs, the very things too many of the doctors got caught up in; but rather why these humans were there to begin with – they were there because they cared about children. Too long and too often these professionals were wrapped up in their own heads. When Mr. Rogers reminded them of their own humanity, there was not a dry eye in the house. He reminded them of their hearts and touched them there very acutely, and affectedly. The heart is a powerful catalyst.

The Science of Selling

That is what stories do, they actually reach a different part of the brain – the part responsible for emotion. Stories appeal to both logic and emotion. When listening to stories with rich imagery and meaning, the brain is stimulated as a whole. When this happens, emotions and logic are in play.

The London School of Business did a study (see article on Tenfold.com) and found that people retain 65 to 70 percent of information shared through stories while only 5 to10 percent of information is retained through the dry presentation of data and statistics.

Be More Persuasive

People make decisions in general with both logic and emotions in play, and more so the latter than the former. Consider how many people DON’T buy into diversity messaging, say LGBTQ for example, by logical argument alone. That is until they hear a compassionate story of a real person, especially a story of someone they know and can relate to. The heart is the mechanism of change.

Most importantly here, storytelling yields cooperative behaviors. Stories “motivate voluntary cooperation” as described in a 2014 HBR Article. There is much power in storytelling in many professional settings.

My experience is that in networking, building associations, building relationships, and forging teams when I led off with talking more personal than professional I made headway much quicker. Both personal and professional bonds forged deeper. I was more professionally effective when I was more personally affective. I see telling personal stories as the mortar between the bricks and make it a conscious practice to include them as much as possible.

How to Connect with Your Audience

The challenge in communication is to connect to the heart and not to the mind…

Why Do They Care?

Job one, get to know what others value – what they care about. For example, I worked for a director with a son who was an accomplished figure skater. I knew I could get his attention by first talking about skating, or anything related to it, prior to getting down to business. But I also give this huge caution – this is not about placating, or even greasing the wheels. This has to be honest interest, and authentic give and take of sharing stories, not simply a means of getting intel or opening another’s ears. Do not be insincere in this – it will show (eventually), no matter how careful in subterfuge you believe yourself to be. If you can’t be sincere in this skip this – really, I very often do just that. The goal is after all for your authenticity to make the human connection with emotion as described.

Think Like a Child

Think like a kid. Recall what is fun and/or interesting – don’t overthink. You want to open your mind like a child. I read a study once where researchers asked both children and adults what they thought a blot was on a piece of paper. It should come as no surprise that the children generated many more answers than adults. You want to be in an open relaxed frame of mind when telling a story. Over-thought stories will miss the emotional mark because in their logical framing they lose some of their authenticity and humanness. And in addition to thinking more childlike, aim for some of that good old childhood enthusiasm as well, to further the emotional connection. Enjoy your story if you want others to do the same.

Come Prepared

Have the data and justification at hand. Yes, do also include some solid facts. These establish credibility. It’s very important to be seen as someone who is knowledgeable; someone who knows their stuff and not just someone that is fun, interesting, or even caring. The data, facts, and logic can be prepared ahead of time as opposed to the stories which should be ad-hoc as much as possible. In telling the story you could sprinkle in the data points, but I personally advise to either state them before any personal story or hold until afterward, so as not to in any way interrupt the natural humanity of the story.

Use Stories

Tell your stories (and no one else’s). Be sure your story has some relevance to the situation at hand. Relevance makes stories more advancing in nature, more catalytic. But understand sometimes the relevance is less important than being real. Your story should inform, but it can inform about you even if it less directly, or does not directly, inform about any item at hand. In the act of telling your story, people are often advised to ‘talk to the heart’.

This is good advice but in truth, we are really talking to a different part of the brain – the emotional part. And that part has more resonance with who we are, which in turn ultimately drives behaviors, actions, and decisions. Understand in telling personal stories there is a risk. You have to accept the risk of opening up and revealing yourself. It is in being vulnerable that we are approachable and connectable. The quickest way to drop another’s defenses is to drop our own.

Relax!

Don’t sweat it. If your story missed the mark or was judged in some way not to your liking – OK, such is the nature of being real. You might feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed at the moment, but in the long run, I still argue you have built social capital. You have shown yourself to be human, which is far better than remaining unknown. To others, unknowns are riskier bets. Even if you don’t close a case, make a sale, or cause a decision on the spot – people remember you by telling stories. And in the end, you will feel better in being authentic than leaving yourself to other’s assumptions and misinterpretations. I personally find opening up with stories, hit or miss, is freeing. If nothing else I believe it has better connected me with the right people and weeded out those less appropriate to where I want to go.

In Summary (tl;dr)

Tell your stories. People may not remember all that you said, or perhaps not even your name, but they will remember the positive things about you by the way they were made to feel. And that is fuel to go forward.

Vulnerability: Why It’s More than Okay to Ask for Help

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In my years working in leadership and diversity instruction and consultation, one of the most powerful lessons I learned myself was how much power there is in acts of vulnerability. And in the spirit of that lesson, I freely admit that even with my years of experience in this field, I learned this fact only relatively recently. It was only about four years ago when a colleague mentioned it in one of her own articles. And it has been a rare day that I have not thought about it in both my practice and my personal life. It is a lesson that warrants cognizance and practice on a daily basis.

What Is Vulnerability?

Being “vulnerable” in this context is not simply a matter and practice of revealing one’s shortcomings, weaknesses, or errors; nor one’s personal secrets. Rather it is being authentic – real and honest. And yes, not hiding things. Especially when such hinders relationship advancement (professional or personal).

Yet, being vulnerable is, for one thing, about sharing – making known. There is a very subtle difference in simply admitting weakness and sharing such openly as a matter of revealing one’s authentic self. For example, in my profession, I know a number of women who experience “imposter syndrome”. Just stating such could be simply informative. But in being vulnerable, such a woman would open herself up to explain not only the situation or condition, and not only its professional effect but also personal ramifications. In this way, we reveal the authenticity.

What makes this ‘vulnerability’ more powerful than simply stating one’s possession of this trait, is that in revealing the effects, ramifications, and struggles, a door is opened. And through this door opportunity is found to address any fallibility. Perhaps more importantly, create a connection to others, often as a matter of empathy. (And the power of relationships should be a given.)

The Power of Vulnerability

I have come to believe strongly in the power of vulnerability. I also believe strongly as a leadership instructor in the importance of leading by example. So, before I go further, I will make my own confession … though I am an experienced professional in a field that is very relationship-centric, and although I am well versed in communications and confidence in support of my work, I am an introvert. So much so I am challenged in my work. Some people have even suggested that my difficulty in making interpersonal connections might indicate that I am on “the autism spectrum.” In admitting my struggle to my friends and colleagues, I have seen the powerful responses to this vulnerability. This has come in the form of very helpful advice and increased camaraderie, which has greatly aided in my success.

The Flip Side: Risk

We must acknowledge, however, that there is risk in vulnerability also. For one thing, it opens up the possibility of others taking advantage. But one must focus on the idea that they are exchanging personal security for the greater good. This is by far the most likely outcome. It may not be readily believed by some, but most people are good-natured. And most people will help if they can see a way in which they can. Vulnerability allows offers of help to become visible.

An Essential Component of Trust

I said vulnerability is sharing. I will also say it is caring. It shows you care enough to open up. And as the old Zig Ziglar saying goes “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”. Through caring you connect, and open doors to exchange. Caring is very important in personal relationships of course, but also professional ones.

One of my professional offerings is teaching ‘trust’. I won’t go into detail, but it should not be surprising to state that trust acts as gas pedal in relationships ( again, both personal and professional); Distrust acts as a brake. And so, it can be seen that one power inherent in vulnerability is the ability to create trust. The three Cs are essential for trust: Competence, Character, and Caring. In fact, of the three, caring builds trust most quickly. This is a fact. Vulnerability, caring, and trust are thus inextricably entwined.

Where to Begin

The question is how does a person introduce vulnerability? There are several ways but here I will give one – something I call ‘intent statements’. Again, in teaching trust, I also preach leading off with honest, open statements that indicate one’s intent in any given situation or relationship. You can easily build vulnerability into intent statements. In fact, it can be said that intent statements themselves are a matter of vulnerability. The two thus nearly synonymous.

The last thing I will say in regard to vulnerability is that among the many powers that are product, the greatest might be the power of freeing oneself personally. When a person is truly authentic personal strength flows at much higher levels. People of subterfuge or façade, carry burdensome weight. Many a person in the LGBTQ+ community has learned this in “coming out.” Yes, there is a risk in doing so. And there are real potential negative consequences and ramifications. And these causing some to not expose themselves so. But a great many others will tell you that coming out was the best thing they’ve done in life. It empowered them.

Vulnerability for most of us doesn’t have to occur at such a paramount level. It can be much smaller expressions of authenticity. It may, for example, be as simple as admitting a fear. I can tell you it is not easy to identify ways in which to be more vulnerable. But I can also tell you that if you acknowledge it as a strength, and don’t shy away from vulnerability, dividends will be paid out, both extrinsically and intrinsically.  Embrace vulnerability as tool and asset.

Pink-Collar Jobs

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Gender imbalance in the workplace is still the norm in many professions. Continued societal conditioning and bias play key roles. Many still see separate and distinct “jobs for women” and “jobs for men.” These beliefs have reinforced obstacles for gendered job migration. Jobs historically staffed by women are known as “pink-collar jobs.”

A Thought Experiment

Imagine two subway cars joined together. One car represents traditionally male-dominated jobs – for example, engineering. The other represents traditional female jobs – caregiving, for example. Historically, only men boarded the engineering car. Most women, being in positions of lesser power, deferred to men’s stature and stubborn positioning and boarded the second car. This was the norm year after year, stop after stop.

Through normal attrition, men and women left their cars. Occasionally there was movement between cars, with the rare woman boarding the first car, and the rarer man boarding the second. Over time, things began to change. More women pushed their way into the first car, while most men held kept their seats. This is how the patriarchy worked for years. Men held firmly to their seats; when they did make space, it was largely for other men.

The women who pushed themselves onto the crowded, male-dominated engineering car got in but seldom got a real seat – at least not without much effort. For one thing, the arrangement of the car favors males, creating a disadvantage for the women on board. Still, with effort and time, the balance has gradually shifted ever so slightly. Women are figuring out how to claim their seats in greater numbers.

The resulting image is largely of Car 1 with a lot of pushing and posturing. However, we lose sight of the dynamics happening in Car 2. The people in the second car, the caregiving car, largely sat still and were free of struggle.  In Car 2, there never was a space issue. Car 2 had plenty of room and plenty of seats – for either sex. If more people on Car 1 simply opted for Car 2, the struggle would be greatly lessened. Of course, many women still board Car 2,  but very few of the men do.

What Happens Next?

Space for more women necessitates that either (1) men are displaced through competition where there is little turnover, or (2) a number of men must voluntarily take up positions more traditionally held by females. Women ‘leaning in’ can’t alone dismantle the deep structural inequities. What is needed is for men to ‘lean out’ – and make space by choosing alternate seating.

Suppose that a number of men in this imaginary situation did voluntarily leave Car 1? The balance would not be pushing and bumping but rather balanced flow – equal numbers of men of women wandering onto either car in near equal numbers. To make that a reality, we need only get a number of men to opt for Car 2.

It can be a tough sell, however, and will require some imaginative solutions to truly balance roles. For one thing, we are fighting a situation that has become ingrained over a long period of time. This has caused deep-rooted persistent tendencies.

Nature vs. Nurture

In studies of communal-style communities, such as kibbutz, where people are entirely free to choose occupations and where gender neutrality is a goal, 70 to 80 percent of women still choose occupations in which they work with other people and children, especially caregiving and education. Men still gravitate to work in the fields, construction, and maintenance. Fewer than 18 percent of men cared to work with children or the elderly. An anomaly? Statistics say that in richer countries with better education, more favorable gender laws, more equal pay, more sociable acceptable mixing of genders in careers, in short, more free choices, more women still choose non-masculine and non-male-dominated careers.

These preferences are wrought from comfort – what has been made comfortable for women and what has been made comfortable for men over time. Often we see the side of the argument that says that men are too stubbornly comfortable in Car 1 to leave it without at the same time seeing there are many ways Car 2 is not yet made comfortable for men.

Part of male comfort is that of practicality. Men still often take the jobs that pay the most because they need, or feel they need, to be the primary breadwinner. And the amount of pay greatly disfavors going to the pink car. Car 2 lacks value, real and perceived, as a result of historically rewarding men in Car 1. Car 2 is painted pink and given the pejorative name – pink-collar jobs. The color and the word itself – pink – are synonymous with weak and of less value in our society.

Moving Men into Pink Collar Jobs

Pay disparity, however, could be rectified through equal pay legislation among other things. We need only commit to adding appropriate value to undervalued professions such as teaching.

The bigger hurdle is male social pressure. Even in these times men are not only not encouraged toward Car 2 – they are, more often than not, discouraged. Men are still given funny looks (by both sexes) when they board Car 2. And the future is not encouraging.

While there is much movement to get girls into STEM, for example, there’s been no movement to get men into pink jobs. Public encouragement, like that of Girls in Stem initiatives, aimed at getting men to consider non-male-traditional jobs could make a lot of space for women in Car 1. But again, the reason such encouragement is absent is deeply ingrained societal masculine and feminine ideals. Consider how many reading this article have pushed females to move to Car 2, but at the same time have kept mum about what jobs males might pursue?

Until men are encouraged in some way to ride Car 2, actually enticed to go into caregiving professions for example, and openly accepted there, Car 1 will remain crowded with seats at a premium, and men still sitting stubbornly and not giving way without a struggle.

Very few see gender balance in this way. Rather than dealing with the pink car, the focus remains on the blue one. An exception to this is Norway. Norway has long been a leader in gender equality.  But the country wants to go even further. An increasing number of men have now been given incentives and are taking up traditionally female jobs – especially in the nursing and childcare sectors. Incentives are exactly what is needed.

The Role of Organizations

Organizations need to embrace this example.  As much as an organization may want to recruit and hire female engineers, they need to first account for the space. It’s very difficult for organizations to have more female engineers or CEOs until they have more male administrative professionals. Only so many majority-dominated jobs open each year, while at the same time male favoring structures compound the issue of limiting Car 1 access to females. Organizations may have to take up the mantle and incentivize pink-collar jobs for men. If not, then it is left to slow-moving governments, or slower moving societal perspectives.

There is a tipping point in seeing gender roles differently, one that is helped along by leveraging role models in the workplace, as another solution. If we could get more cross-overs between cars these can be leveraged through visibility. As it stands more males pursue science because they believe themselves better at it since science has had a male face. However, in studies where both women and men were shown photographs of other people in other roles (e.g., doctor, police) and then asked to list their own traits, rather than noting what traits they might already possess, they identified traits more aligned with what they saw. Their own self-concept changed through imagery alone. The more we see images of women engineers or male caregivers, the more it becomes acceptable on both conscious and unconscious levels. In the same way, we are using images of females in stem we need to use more images of male nurses, teachers, etc.

Training as a Tool for Equity

Another solution is training. Masculine and feminine (socialized) traits can play a large role in career selection. For example, empathy being practiced and evidenced in more females makes it more likely that women will select careers where empathy is an asset, such as caregiving. In fact, in the field of medicine, women choose pediatrics much more often than men do and the result is an imbalance in that field. This can be changed however … change one’s skill set and one’s preferences may change also. Take empathy for example. Once empathy is mastered as a product of training and/or practice, career options expand both in preference and in opportunity. Just like mastering the skill of swimming may lead a person to become a lifeguard. If we trained empathy in men, for example, they might feel more inclined to seek more caregiving jobs.

Pink Collar Jobs: In Summary

These are just a few ideas to consider in tackling job inequalities. We can continue to work on issues in the blue car, but we must also acknowledge and address issues with the pink car as well to fully achieve equity.

Let’s first start with raising awareness by sharing articles such as this.

By David S Rowell

Author of Value and Voice – Solutions to Organizational Gender Balance

david@parityconsultant.com

Life without Closets

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In a recent podcast interview, I was asked this final question: “What one thing do you know?” My answer, in short, was that we all have closets. That statement is in no way intended to detract from the very real experiences of people in the LGBTQ+ community. Rather, while acknowledging that “closets” are most closely associated with LGBTQ+ people, almost everyone feels compelled to hold something back of themselves. Most of us hide some part of ourselves in the shadows, typically out of fear (both founded and unfounded) of judgement of and rejection by others.

A recent Harvard study found that 61 percent of people closet some aspect of themselves!

This is especially true of women, and especially true in the workplace.

I had the privilege of attending a talk by America Ferrera at a recent conference. In her talk, America said, “Diversity is impactful only when we can show up in spaces as who we are. Our power comes from existing as authentically and as fully as ourselves.”

A Balancing Act for Women

In my book, Value and Voice, I focus on women’s ability (or inability) to fully participate. The barriers to full participation are many. One such barrier is the constant balance a woman in the workplace must maintain. She must exhibit enough feminine behaviors to be accepted under the social expectations of women. She must exhibit enough masculine behaviors to be rewarded based on the norms of the male-centric work environment. In other words, she must conform to conflicting stereotypes, while still existing authentically. The truth is, women have to constantly be adjusting these things. Men don’t have to ask themselves, “Who shall I be at work today?” Women do.

Is this balancing a form of closeting? I would argue yes – very much so. Despite the prominence of conversations about “authenticity in the workplace,” most women must hold back, keep in check, reserve, or closet some portion of themselves.

And while this is far too often the case for women and people in the LGBTQ+ community, anyone can be affected. I know I don’t freely share all of me. This is in large part because of judgment and potential ramifications.

Closets Take Emotional Tolls

Closets do take emotional tolls. Holding back those things we reserve very much impacts our performance. As noted by America Ferrera, the result is that we are unable to fully realize and leverage the known advantages of diversity.

Diversity is very powerful. But the advantages of diversity can only be realized when people can freely emerge from whatever closets they may occupy.

Leaders bear the responsibility of creating safe environments for everyone. But is everyone’s responsibility to embrace each other and their authenticity, to put aside judgments, to value everyone, and to make closets unnecessary.

How do we start? It’s simple. Take interest in each person. Ask about their interests. If a person has an artistic bent or hobby, or a unique talent, ask about it! And if a person expresses themselves in attire, hair style, or body art, offer words of approval. Show an interest in the person – the whole person – and watch them blossom. When a person gives more of themselves, everyone benefits. That is the real power of diversity.

Let’s imagine, and work to build, a closet-free world.