Lead at Any Level

inclusion

When Do You Feel Included?

· ·

Recently, I had a conversation with young woman from the United Kingdom. She asked me about the stickers I use for my Network Beyond Bias program. The stickers look like name tags. They say “Hello! I feel included when…”

Hello. I feel included when...

Usually toward the end of my programs, I prompt the audience to ask one another, “How can I help you feel included?” or “When do you feel included?”

This is something that gets lost in our day-to-day work. It’s very rare for a manager to ask this question when someone new joins their team. It’s a simple question. How can I help you feel included? What makes you feel included? This question has tremendous power because it helps you understand very quickly how to show respect and appreciation for another human being.

If you’re a leader, whether you have a management title or not, it’s your responsibility to make sure that the people around you feel welcome and feel included.

This prompt, “I feel included when…” is one to which people respond all sorts of ways. Some people feel included when someone asks their opinion. Sometimes I’ll have people say to me, “I feel included when I get invited out for happy hour.” And usually I ask, “Do you go?” And they say “Never, but I want to be invited.”

Sometimes I have people say they feel included when there’s clear communication. Or when they’re involved in important decisions that affect them. Some people feel included when you ask to see pictures of their children. For others, it’s when you don’t mention their families. For each person it’s different. It’s important because when we have different dynamics on teams, we often talk about treating everybody the same. Instead, we need to realize everyone wants to be treated a little bit differently.

Rethinking the Golden Rule

The Golden Rule says we should treat others as you want to be treated. The Platinum Rule, on the other hand, implores us to treat others the way they want to be treated. That’s an important distinction. If I want to be invited to happy hour and someone else doesn’t want to be invited, you might invite us both to treat us the same. However, you may have made someone else feel excluded by extending the invitation. On the flip side of that, if you ask me about my family, I feel very included. When someone else does not want to discuss their family, you’ve inadvertently created a trust gap between you and that person.

It’s important to get down to the heart of what makes each person feel valued and what makes each person feel special.

When Do YOU Feel Included?

So tell me, what makes you feel included? It may be something simple like people pronounce your name correctly. Or it may be something a little bit deeper and more complex. Either is okay.

The idea here is that we get to know each other a little better. When we show an effort to respect each other right from the beginning, it can make all the difference in the relationships that we build with each other.

After you’ve thought about this for yourself, go to work. Ask your team members, ask your boss, ask the newest person in your department, the people that report to you. “How can I help you feel included?” And then see if you can’t do that thing.

Let me know what you learn!

TL;DR? Here’s the video version:

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRvUTLXlr6Y[/embedyt]

Inclusive Leadership Global Conference

· · Leave a Comment

Déclic International has invited Amy C. Waninger to participate in its 2018 Inclusive Leadership Global Conference. This pioneering free online event provides business leaders, diversity practitioners and human resources professionals with practical insights to create inclusive cultures, lead successfully diverse teams and increase team performance. Waninger’s session will focus on practical steps leaders can take to reduce bias in hiring.

The Inclusive Leadership Global Conference is held online from April 16 – 20, 2018 and is free to attend. Throughout the week, new video interviews will be released daily for on-demand streaming.  Registration is available at http://declicinternational.com.  Following the conference, video box sets will be available for purchase from Declic International.

Download full press release here:  Waninger to speak at global virtual conference on diversity

Et Tu, Latte? Starbucks and Everyday Racism

· · Leave a Comment

My Twitter feeds were once again abuzz with scandal. Starbucks, it seems, has just unwittingly entered the conversation about racism in America. And not in the way we would have hoped.

Police officers handcuffed and forcibly removed two real estate agents from a Starbucks in Philadelphia. Melissa DePino‘s video of the incident went viral. Their crime? Waiting while black. According to the NPR report,

When police arrived [in response to a 911 call], two Starbucks employees told them two men had asked to use the restroom but were told they couldn’t because they hadn’t purchased anything. The men allegedly refused to leave after being asked by Starbucks employees.

What Starbucks Got Wrong

  • The Starbucks employee(s) involved in the incident denied two men use of the restroom because the men hadn’t purchased anything. White customers at that location were not required to order before gaining access to the restrooms.
  • Then the Starbucks employee(s) asked the men to leave because they had not yet made a purchase. According to witnesses, the two men were sitting quietly at a table, waiting for a friend to arrive. Hardly an unusual situation. If you were sitting quietly at a coffee shop, waiting for a friend to arrive, how would you respond if you were asked to leave?
  • Starbucks employee(s) called 911 to report disturbance and trespassing because the men did not leave when asked. The men had EVERY RIGHT to be there. There was no emergency.
  • Finally, Starbucks headquarters has so far issued a response to the incident that’s even weaker than their blonde roast. Certainly, Starbucks needs to investigate the matter thoroughly from an HR and legal perspective. However, perhaps their first response should have been a mea culpa on the lack of diversity among their own employees at the Philadelphia location in question.

The Problem Is Bigger than Starbucks

  • More than half a dozen police showed up to escort two real estate agents out of a coffee shop. Instead of de-escalating the situation or understanding the perspective of the customers in question, they placed two men under arrest. Police held the men in custody for eight hours. As real estate agents, how much did that cost them? Did they miss client meetings or sales?
  • White people on social media who said “There must be more this story” were infuriating. Abuse by authority figures is NOT the fault of the abused. Yet time and again, white people assume that authority figures can be trusted because we can usually trust them. We don’t fear for our lives when we get pulled over for speeding. We don’t get “randomly selected” for additional screening. We don’t get denied service or access to public places (unless we’re gay). And so, here we sit, blinded by privilege, wondering why we can’t all just get along. Instead of thinking critically about all the things people of color might have done to contribute to their own abuse, try applying your critical thinking skills to how you form your own assumptions.
  • News media organizations replayed the viral video of two black men being cuffed by six police officers. When white people commit actual crimes, we tend to see images of them provided by their families. We hear about their family relationships, their jobs, their medical histories. When black people have done nothing at all wrong, news outlets reinforce “dangerous criminal” stereotypes by showing handcuffed men in police custody. When people of color are victims of crimes by authority figures, we hear about every traffic ticket and character flaw they’ve ever had. Again, critical thinking by a white audience is a moral imperative.

How We Get This Right

For this section, I ask for direction from friends in the black community. I have seen calls for more of us to emulate the white allies who challenged police during the incident. That’s a great start.

Many folks are also calling for a #BoycottStarbucks or a sit-in movement. To this, I have a number of questions. What can Starbucks do to make this right? In other words, what is the end game for a boycott? How do we fight the everyday racism that makes situations like this not just possible, but commonplace? How can I use my privilege to stop the abuse of people of color?

Finding these answers won’t be easy and may take a while. In the meantime, I’ll be waiting for my friends to arrive before placing my next order at Starbucks.

Inclusive Networking: 3 Ways to Say “You’re Welcome”

· · 2 Comments

Identifying missing perspectives in your network is relatively easy. And finding people who can fill those gaps isn’t terribly difficult. But how do you attract people who differ from you? How do you make yourself the light in the room to which they are drawn? In this article, I propose three pillars of inclusive networking that you can use, not just to bring people to you, but also to bring out the best in them. These pillars are: acceptance, respect, and empathy.

Author’s Note: This article is adapted from my book Network Beyond Bias.

Inclusive Networking Begins with Acceptance

The first step in inclusive networking is acceptance. In fact, you cannot be inclusive of someone at all until you can accept them as they are.

For many of us, our first instinct when we encounter conflict is to attempt to convert or persuade the other party to our way of thinking. Instead, go into the conversation with the mindset that the person you are about to meet is an expert.

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” For many of us, though, both critical thinking and preconceived notions become obstacles to understanding. Asking challenging questions can be perceived as disagreement, resulting in more conflict and greater barriers to understanding. That’s why I try to accept first.

It was this critical step that led me to be a vocal, if imperfect, ally to the transgender community. I had spent so much time getting in my own way, trying to understand the “why,” that I missed the whole point. Finally, I realized I don’t need to know why something exists to acknowledge that it’s there. Similarly, I don’t need to understand how someone developed their woldview to accept that it exists. And I don’t need the social context and psychological frameworks that led to someone else’s identity to believe that their identity is real.

When you meet someone new, accept them for who they are. Accept that their experiences, opinions, and talents are theirs and theirs alone. Once you’ve mastered accepting what is, you’ll be amazed at how much more quickly you can move to understanding.

Inclusive Networking Requires Respect

Respect is the next essential tool for inclusive behaviors. My favorite definition of respect comes from my kids’ karate dojo:

respect, verb, to feel or show polite or courteous responses to the wishes or judgments of others

You’ll notice that there is no mention of agreement. No requirement exists to give the person money for their cause. On the other hand, there’s no room there for hostility. You can disagree, just be polite about it. That’s it. Easy peasy. Right?

Let’s work with some concrete examples to make it real.

  • You probably know how to spell and pronounce your CEO’s first and last name.
  • Imagine an executive at your company expressed a strong political view after hours. She asks for your opinion, which is in contrast to hers. You would likely find a diplomatic response, and you would do so quickly.
  • When your boss presents during a meeting, you don’t roll your eyes, scroll through Facebook, or interrupt her. (At least, I hope you don’t.)
  • You’re aware that your most important client is allergic to shellfish, so you avoid taking him to seafood restaurants when you’re in town.

You’re polite and considerate when you have to be. But can you say that about everyone you work with? Watch your behaviors for a few weeks and see if you treat everyone with real respect. If not, you’re going to limit your ability to engage in inclusive networking. Do some deep reflection on your biases, assumptions, and intentions. Then think about the impact you might be having on the people around you.

Empathy: Your #LifeGoals for Inclusive Networking

The ultimate tool for inclusive networking is empathy. Once you’ve mastered acceptance and started practicing universal respect, it’s time to level up.

Empathy is the ability to understand how someone else is feeling, and then to adapt your own behavior accordingly. If you’re thinking, “WHOA. That’s awfully touchy-feely,” you may be right. But that doesn’t make it unimportant. In fact, it’s an easy way to set yourself apart as a great leader in a hypermasculine or otherwise toxic work environment.

Perhaps you think having empathy is like having a sixth sense. The truth is, empathy is a skill that can be developed over time. Start small, by naming your own feelings as you have them. Over time, build up the courage to ask others how they’re feeling. For example, you might say, “I heard your presentation went really well this morning. That must make you feel proud of your work.” It feels weird at first, but the feedback you’ll get (watch for verbal and nonverbal cues) will make you want to continue. Pretty soon, people will be coming to you for advice because you’re so good at understanding them! When this happens, you’ll know your inclusive networking efforts are truly paying off: you’ve become a mentor!

If you want to dive into this topic further, I highly recommend Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradbury and Jean Graves. The book includes a self-assessment to help you target your efforts where you need the most help.

ANTSHE Conference 2018 – Workshop Session

· · Leave a Comment

ANTSHE Conference 2018 is the premiere conference focusing on adult learners in higher education and the faculty, administrators, advisers, and innovative leaders who provide guidance, support and advocate for them. Join us for three days of engaging content, networking, and valuable, high quality education. The ANTSHE Conference will take place at Johnson C. Smith University in Charlotte, North Carolina. The theme for this year’s conference is “The Fight for Academic Equity: Creating Social Cohesiveness Between the Adult Learner and College.” Amy C. Waninger will present her interactive lecture “Networking Beyond Bias: How to Break Out, Break In, and Break Through.”

Download full press release