mentoring

#MeToo Backlash Is Real. And Wrong.

Amy C. Waninger · 2019-02-12 · Leave a Comment

Several of my colleagues have asked me — numerous times — to weigh in on the #MeToo Backlash. It seems that some men are retreating into their corner offices and private golf clubs to avoid false accusations of sexism and sexual assault. They have it all wrong.

First, A Brief Herstory Lesson

For a lot of years, and not that long ago, women were not at all welcome in business, except in very low-paying roles. Even then, their success depended certain unspoken conditions. The first condition was that they were attractive enough to sit at the front desk and bring in men. And the second condition was that they play along or at least look the other way when men behaved badly in the workplace. This bad behavior could range from demeaning comments toward or about a woman to the serial rape of female employees.

This isn’t ancient history. These things happened within the last few decades, and women were afraid to speak up because we thought we were alone. We thought no one would believe us. The overwhelming response would be “If you don’t like it, go home.” Or “You don’t matter.” And, women were right. High profile cases of workplace sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape repeatedly confirm these fears.

Women Are Finally Speaking Up

Now, women are collectively saying we don’t like those rules. We don’t want to be hired for our looks. Our gender should not have more bearing on our pay or job title than our education, skills, knowledge, and contributions. We don’t want to be treated disrespectfully or sexually assaulted at work. And, we’d like to make clear that if a man is mentoring us, he should not expect us to flirt or consent to things that we aren’t comfortable with. We will not turn the other way when we see it happening to others. Women are standing up for each other in ways we never have before. We realize that we cannot trust powerful men to take just one of us seriously.

#MeToo Backlash Says “Don’t Be Alone with a Woman”

Some men are now essentially saying, “Well, if you’re not going to play by our rules, we won’t talk to you at all.” Why is this such a problem for men? Seems they still don’t believe that any of these allegations could be true. They say they’re afraid of “false accusations” from the women they work with. Some men are afraid, for the very first time, of being alone with a woman because it poses a perceived risk to their public image, if not their livelihood. Their intentions, they say, might be misunderstood. In a he-said-she-said situation, someone might not believe them. And most women, understandably, have little sympathy for this newfound situational awareness. So, where do we go from here?

Practical and Responsible Compromise

Here’s a surprising point of agreement. I mean no offense by this, but a lot of women don’t want to be alone with certain men either. Many of us have past trauma from which we have not healed. When we posted “#MeToo” on social media, it was a show of solidarity, not a badge of honor.

We may have observed disrespectful comments, jokes, or other behaviors from a particular man at work and worry about his intentions. I personally have worked with dozens of men who were known (at least by the women in the office) to be serial predators of one type or another. Make no mistake. These men are NOT worried about false accusations. They’re worried that we’re onto them.

But how can men who are not serial predators, rapists, skirt chasers, manipulators, abusers, or narcissists differentiate themselves and avoid #MeToo allegations? Simple. Don’t mentor a woman one-on-one. Mentor five women instead. Hold regular meetings as a group in a public space. Be obvious about what you’re doing. Even as a mentor, spend twice as much time listening as talking. You will learn volumes about the unique barriers and hurdles these women face, and in places you’d never expect. To get an even better education and have a more lasting impact, make sure you include women of who vary in age, race, education, and physical ability. Make your group as diverse as possible.

Finally, listen for someone who says, “I won’t work with women.” What they’re really saying is “I can’t work with 50 percent of the population because I can’t trust them to look the other way when I behave badly.” That should tell you everything you need to know about them.

Network Like a CHAMP: Meerkats and mountain guides (Part 2)

Amy C. Waninger · 2017-07-17 · 10 Comments

Author’s note: This article is adapted from my book, Network Beyond Bias.

In this series, learn the five critical connections you need to maintain for growing your career, your CHAMP network. CHAMP is an acronym that stands for Customer, Hire, Associate, Mentor, Protege.

Part 1 provided an overview and outlined Customer and Hire networks. [Read more…]
This article explains the value of Associate, Mentor, and Protege networks.

Associate Network: Your eyes and ears across the industry

No matter where you work or what you do, you need a strong Associate network of peers in your company and industry.

Imagine your industry — or your company, if it large enough — is a giant jigsaw puzzle. Your role or department is represented by one oddly-shaped piece. By networking with peers in other departments of your company or other companies within your industry, you get to see more pieces of the puzzle. When you can put enough of them together, you get a big picture view, no matter how small your part may seem.

The other analogy I use is “Be a meerkat.” Meerkats work as a team to find food and look out for threats. A meerkat digs around for awhile, but then it pops up to make sure all its meerkat buddies are still around, doing meerkat things. If you never pop up to see what your buddies are doing, you might find yourself all alone on the prairie. So, be a meerkat!

Be a meerkat, and other useful networking advice Click To Tweet

Associate networks are the easiest of all

Of all the CHAMP networks, Associates are the easiest to find and engage. Why?

They are all around you, and you see them every day.
Peer connections are usually less intimidating.
You probably have a lot in common.
You probably have a lot to learn from one another.

Associate networks are made up of your peers, or people with a similar level of authority as yours. Whatever role you play in an organization or industry, you are likely in good company. New employees, first-time managers, and seasoned executives can all have strong Associate networks. Anyone you work with on a regular basis is likely in this network. And because you work with them on a regular basis, you should be able to build a relationship very naturally.

Where to begin

Start by inviting an Associate out for lunch or a cup of coffee. Get beyond superficial small talk by asking friendly, open-ended questions.

How did you get to your current role?
What excites you about the work you’re doing right now?
What challenges are you facing right now?
What’s next for you?

You will be amazed at what you can learn about other departments, other companies, and other people over a simple cup of coffee! The more people you can engage in these conversations, the more you can learn.

When your turn comes around to share, keep the conversation honest and positive. Don’t be afraid to share challenges you’ve overcome, your short-term goals, or your long-term aspirations. Avoid placing blame for problems, and never speak ill of a colleague or manager. Remember, you may be a candidate for your Associate’s Hire network someday!

Mentor Network: A glimpse into the future

Mentors are people who have more experience, or different experience, in your field. A Mentor can help you with a short-term or long-range goal. He or she can help you imagine possible futures for yourself or likely outcomes of decisions you’re facing. A Mentor can also help you build your network over time by introducing you within their professional circles.

Is there someone in your company or industry you admire? Tell them so! Ask if they have 30 minutes once a month (for example) to help you grow in your career. Be genuine and proactive, and be gracious even if they say no.

Engaging with a Mentor can be time well spent. To build a successful relationship, be proactive.

Have goals for the mentorship and communicate them clearly.
Know which aspects of your career require the Mentor’s advice or guidance.
Come to each conversation prepared with an objective or desired outcome.
Demonstrate that you are following your Mentor’s advice.
Be respectful of and grateful for your Mentor’s time.

Protege Network: A reminder of how much you have to give

Last, and perhaps most important, is your Protege network. A Protege is someone you mentor, plain and simple. The word connotes some sort of Jedi/Apprentice relationship, I know. And that’s okay. You probably are a Jedi Master at some aspect of your work. Develop a plan to share that knowledge with someone just coming up in your field.

Why is this important?

There are three reasons I believe everyone should be a mentor:

There is always someone, somewhere who needs to see a possible future version of themselves. For every person who has made it through school, out of poverty, beyond an illness or addiction, to the other side of bad choices, or into a profession, there are dozens of people who can’t see a path forward. For every one of us who has gotten a promotion, there are dozens of people just entering the workforce with no idea how to proceed. Did you have a mentor or role model? If so, what did that mean for you? If not, how might you have accelerated on your path had someone shown you the way?
The more you know, the more you realize you don’t know, and the less you realize you do know. Wow. That’s a paradox, isn’t it? Let me break this down for you. Imposter syndrome, the fear that everyone will find out you’re a big ol’ phony, increases with our level of achievement and mastery of a subject. We often devalue the skills we’ve mastered because they’re easy for us. News flash: Everyone didn’t learn what you did the moment you learned it. Spending time with someone who hasn’t learned it yet can be a great reminder of how far you’ve come. And it gives you an opportunity to share your knowledge for someone else’s benefit. Everyone wins.
The more you give, the more you gain. I don’t have any science to back this up. Anecdotally, this is real, and I see it in my life every single day. Sure, there are wildly successful jerks. Just don’t be one of them. When you do good in the world, you improve your self-esteem. When you “pay it forward,” other people are drawn to you. And when something good happens in your career, all those people you helped will celebrate with you. As Dick Parsons said in his Fortune interview, “Be the person everyone wants to see succeed.”

What if I don’t know anything?

If it’s true that every person you meet knows something you don’t, then the reverse must also be true. Every person you meet doesn’t-know something you know! If I could still do mathematical proofs, I would put a bunch of impressive “if and only if” statements here. I can’t do that anymore, so let’s just assume I’m right.

Look at your résumé. What have you accomplished? What skills or knowledge did you gain in the process? Have you taken any classes, read any books, or completed any projects? If so, you are still on the hook to impart this knowledge on someone else in some way. If not, here are several ideas for gaining new skills. No more excuses!

Start simple. Tweet an article like this one to share with your professional network. Just like that, you’ve shared some new-found knowledge!

Be a meerkat, and other useful networking advice Click To Tweet

CHAMP Network, in Summary

By seeking Customers, Hires, Associates, Mentors, and Proteges for your network, you will gain a broad and deep perspective of your industry, your company, your skills, and your career. Your Customers will give you a fresh perspective on your industry and company. Having a strong Hire network will allow you to help others, create opportunities, and solve problems. Work with Associates to fill in the missing pieces of your big picture (and theirs). Mentors will show you the way forward, and Proteges will remind you how far you’ve already come. And finally, when you make connections to help others build a CHAMP network, your value increases many times over.

Employee Resource Groups: What you need to know

Amy C. Waninger · 2017-07-04 · 10 Comments

Author’s note: This article is adapted from my book, Network Beyond Bias.

What are Employee Resource Groups (ERGs)?

Employee Resource Groups (ERGs) have started cropping up in companies. You may know them as Employee Affinity Groups (EAGs), Business Resource Groups (BRGs), or by another name. These groups are usually launched to help employees, particularly those who face cultural headwinds, connect with one another. And there are many other benefits for companies and employees alike.

How do Employee Resource Groups benefit companies?

Finding and attracting diverse talent

There is a significant talent shortage in many industries. Many companies have aggressive recruiting goals they are struggling to meet. These companies may be in a rut: recruiting from the same professional networks, schools, or geographic areas for decades.

By engaging current employees, companies can expand their reach to find and attract talent in areas they haven’t approached before. People tend to know others who are similar to them. So companies can find new pools of talent by leveraging the connections of employees from non-traditional backgrounds.

From a recruiting perspective, Employee Resource Groups offer an attractive selling point to job candidates. Many new employees want to believe they will feel welcome and accepted in a new company. The company with Employee Resource Groups can demonstrate cultural understanding and acceptance before the candidate has even applied for the job. Having an ERG tells the job candidate, “There are successful people in the company just like you. They want to help you be successful, too.”

Introducing new employees to the corporate culture

Once hired, new employees may need help understanding cultural norms of the company. Fellow ERG members may be helpful in this process, especially if the corporate culture does not readily translate to the subculture of the affinity group. For example, Asian-Americans may find it difficult to tout their own accomplishments due to values instilled in them since childhood. Women may have been taught to downplay their intelligence in group settings. In a large company, these professionals may need to find ways to adapt that are both advantageous in the workplace and culturally acceptable. Employee Resource Groups can help with provide integration strategies from a first-hand perspective.

Identifying and retaining top talent

Employee Resource Groups give a voice and sense of community to employees who may otherwise feel isolated or underrepresented, helping companies to retain talent in their organizations. When people feel isolated, they are not as engaged. Connected employees are more productive, more loyal, and better brand ambassadors. Connected employees stick around.

Rewards and recognition are also a key factor in employee retention. Research shows that managers are more likely to reward and promote employees who are like them. This is especially true when those managers don’t recognize their own biases. If a company has a high percentage of managers with similar demographics, it is likely that those demographics will not change much over time. Employee Resource Groups offer a different avenue for those managers to recognize talent they might otherwise overlook. They can also help mitigate against the default mode of hiring, recognizing, and promoting only within their existing inner circles.

Expanding into new markets and customer segments

Breaking into new markets can be tricky. Many companies have struggled to set the right tone in their advertising. Others may not even recognize that they have a potential niche customer base. In a recent interview, Howard J. Ross reminded us that it’s hard to sell to someone you’ve just insulted. It’s perhaps even harder to sell to someone you don’t know exists.

A diverse employee base can give an insider perspective on different markets and customer preferences. For example, a Latinx ERG might help a company translate both the language and the “feel” of commercials so they seem natural to the target community. An ERG for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) employees may help a financial services company create new products or services tailored to the legal issues faced by this consumer group. By working with management and marketing teams, Employee Resource Groups can provide a competitive edge in under-performing market segments.ERGs can provide competitive advantage in underperforming markets. Click To Tweet

How do Employee Resource Groups benefit employees?

Professional development opportunities

As companies seek to develop new talent pools, employees can use Employee Resource Groups to position themselves for success. Participation in Employee Resource Groups can provide opportunities that may be missing from the employee’s “day job.” For example, an employee who plans an ERG networking event gains project management experience. Another employee who attends the networking event may meet managers from other areas of the company. Employee Resource Groups provide endless volunteer opportunities and chances to be noticed by management.

A sense of belonging

Most employees are happier and more engaged when they feel connected to others at work. Employee Resource Groups can provide a sense of community and connection, even in very large companies. By meeting others with similar life experiences, people feel more supported. These relationships often go beyond transactional, into deep friendships and mentorships. Project work, problem solving, career management, and other daily realities of corporate life are much easier when you have strong relationships.

Address ignorance and stereotypes head-on

Individual employees often find themselves on the receiving end of harmful stereotypes. Many will find that even well-meaning coworkers can be insensitive to or ignorant about deeply-held cultural norms. By themselves, they may be uncomfortable addressing or combating these situations. However, an ERG can organize entertaining “mythbusting” sessions, cultural awareness events, or expert panels that educate the larger corporate community. Doing so not only improves the environment for affinity employees. Everyone benefits from having a broader perspective and greater empathy.

Including everyone in the conversation

When you look at your company’s executive team, do you see someone who looks like you? Do you see someone to whom you can easily relate? If so, you may take this representation for granted. For those who aren’t part of an underrepresented group, this isn’t about being “politically correct.” And it’s not about offering special treatment to certain groups of people. It’s about recognizing that certain interests and perspectives are represented by default. Employee Resource Groups help expand the circle to include new perspectives at all levels of the organization.ERGs help expand representation to include new perspectives at all levels of the organization. Click To Tweet

Think about a time when you felt different: new kid in school, new on the job, dressed informally for a formal event, visiting a different office, visiting a foreign country. Can you imagine feeling that way every day of your career?

We can all benefit by educating ourselves on the experience of being different and by opening ourselves up to the value that experience offers.

Get involved as soon as possible!

If your company has Employee Resource Groups, I encourage you to join a group with which you identify. Especially in large companies, this can provide a sense of belonging that you may not even know you’re missing.

And, more important, sign up as an “ally” in an ERG that is outside your own identity. If that makes you uncomfortable, ask yourself why — and be brave enough to answer yourself honestly. I hope you’ll take a few minutes to learn more … from a different perspective.

You have nothing at all to lose, and so much to gain.

Constructive Feedback in Four Simple Steps

Amy C. Waninger · 2017-06-20 · 7 Comments

Many people view giving constructive feedback as an odious task. Those who revel in it … well, who wants to work with those people? There is a happy middle: the caring and genuine coach who really wants to see others put their best foot forward. So, you know, be that guy by learning and practicing the skills outlined in this article.

Author’s note: For the purposes of this article, I will use the terms constructive feedback and redirection interchangeably to mean “feedback intended to discourage an observed behavior.” If you want to learn about giving positive feedback, I’ve got you covered.

Why is giving constructive feedback important?

Most of us are doing the best we know how to do. Yet we only know what we know, and we only know it from our own perspective. Often, we don’t do something a better way simply because we don’t know a better way exists. This is why I like the term “redirection.”

Other times, we may not realize the negative impact our behaviors or words are having on others. Personally, I don’t like repeating mistakes or being less than effective; most people will say the same thing.

Finally, if you are in a management role, your success is dependent upon the success of your team members. You owe it to them, and to yourself, to be that caring and genuine coach so you can all step up your game.

When should I give someone constructive feedback?

Always provide feedback in a private setting. Ask permission before giving someone feedback, unless the person has specifically asked for feedback or you have already established a trusting relationship. If you are a supervisor or mentor, you have a responsibility to provide objective, constructive feedback. I would also argue that you have a responsibility to give feedback to your coach, mentor, and manager!

In any case, you earn the right to give constructive feedback by having provided affirmation (see instructions here) to the individual in the past, usually at a 2:1 ratio or higher.

Alright, fine. I’ll do it. How does this work?

I propose a four-step method, which I remember with the acronym BITE:

Behavior:
Begin by specifically stating the person’s words, actions, or behavior that was detrimental or ineffective.

“I noticed you were struggling to stay awake during parts of the presentation today.”
Impact:
Next, describe the impact that choice had (or that it failed to have a positive impact). Bonus points if you can give the person the benefit of the doubt.

“It created the impression that you aren’t interested in the training.”
Tomorrow:
Provide a better alternative for “tomorrow.” Remember, this person probably did the best they knew how to do.

“Next time you notice yourself getting sleepy or zoning out after sitting for too long, please get up quietly and stand in the back of the room. You’ll not only appear more engaged, you’ll be better able to pay attention to the speaker.”
Encourage (or Enforce)
When appropriate, reinforce (because you’ve hopefully already established) that you want to see this person succeed and that you have confidence in their ability to do so.

“We have a long week of training ahead of us, and I’m excited to see how you will apply these new techniques to your design initiative.”

If the behavior is completely inappropriate and unjustifiable or if it recurs despite multiple discussions, it may be time to work with your Human Resources department to determine disciplinary action. That step is beyond the scope of this article, so I’m going to assume that your colleague is having an uncharacteristically rough day… Let’s move on.

Common Pitfalls

While immediate feedback is typically best, there are some exceptions:

If you or the other party are upset, or if you can’t articulate all four components of the BITE model described above, wait until everyone is calm and you have collected your thoughts.
Before you give constructive feedback or redirection, be willing to explore your motives – honestly and objectively. If your aim is anything more or less than a genuine desire to see someone else succeed – if you have any selfish interests at all – you may need to walk away from the situation entirely.

Practice This Skill

For one week, write down BITE-style redirection as you notice areas where you might be able to help someone else be more effective or efficient.

At the end of the week, ask for permission to provide some of the feedback directly. You can say something like, “I’m trying to improve my leadership skills. Could I practice by giving you some feedback on your presentation last week?” (You don’t have to speak in italics, though.)

Giving redirection can be scary, but I promise that it gets easier each time you do it. If you’re not ready to try it, practice giving positive feedback for a few weeks first!