Lead at Any Level

network beyond bias

When Do You Feel Included?

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Recently, I had a conversation with young woman from the United Kingdom. She asked me about the stickers I use for my Network Beyond Bias program. The stickers look like name tags. They say “Hello! I feel included when…”

Hello. I feel included when...

Usually toward the end of my programs, I prompt the audience to ask one another, “How can I help you feel included?” or “When do you feel included?”

This is something that gets lost in our day-to-day work. It’s very rare for a manager to ask this question when someone new joins their team. It’s a simple question. How can I help you feel included? What makes you feel included? This question has tremendous power because it helps you understand very quickly how to show respect and appreciation for another human being.

If you’re a leader, whether you have a management title or not, it’s your responsibility to make sure that the people around you feel welcome and feel included.

This prompt, “I feel included when…” is one to which people respond all sorts of ways. Some people feel included when someone asks their opinion. Sometimes I’ll have people say to me, “I feel included when I get invited out for happy hour.” And usually I ask, “Do you go?” And they say “Never, but I want to be invited.”

Sometimes I have people say they feel included when there’s clear communication. Or when they’re involved in important decisions that affect them. Some people feel included when you ask to see pictures of their children. For others, it’s when you don’t mention their families. For each person it’s different. It’s important because when we have different dynamics on teams, we often talk about treating everybody the same. Instead, we need to realize everyone wants to be treated a little bit differently.

Rethinking the Golden Rule

The Golden Rule says we should treat others as you want to be treated. The Platinum Rule, on the other hand, implores us to treat others the way they want to be treated. That’s an important distinction. If I want to be invited to happy hour and someone else doesn’t want to be invited, you might invite us both to treat us the same. However, you may have made someone else feel excluded by extending the invitation. On the flip side of that, if you ask me about my family, I feel very included. When someone else does not want to discuss their family, you’ve inadvertently created a trust gap between you and that person.

It’s important to get down to the heart of what makes each person feel valued and what makes each person feel special.

When Do YOU Feel Included?

So tell me, what makes you feel included? It may be something simple like people pronounce your name correctly. Or it may be something a little bit deeper and more complex. Either is okay.

The idea here is that we get to know each other a little better. When we show an effort to respect each other right from the beginning, it can make all the difference in the relationships that we build with each other.

After you’ve thought about this for yourself, go to work. Ask your team members, ask your boss, ask the newest person in your department, the people that report to you. “How can I help you feel included?” And then see if you can’t do that thing.

Let me know what you learn!

TL;DR? Here’s the video version:

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRvUTLXlr6Y[/embedyt]

To Be a Leader, Be an Ally

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Do You Aspire to Be a Leader?

If you aspire to be a leader, you’re not alone. So many corporate employees aspire to leadership roles in their organizations. They seek out high-profile projects, promotions, and executive sponsors. To really stand out in a company, though, you need to stand for something other than your own self-interest. Specifically, you can position yourself as a leader in your organization by being an ally to others.

Author’s Note: This article is also posted on Living Corporate’s blog and via Living Corporate on Medium. If this topic interests you, don’t miss Episode 06: #Help from Living Corporate Podcast. Rate, review, and share the Living Corporate Podcast to help others find this extraordinary resource.

You Have More Power Than You Realize

Many of us are tricked into thinking that because we marginalized in some way, we cannot (or need not) be allies for others. You have more power than you realize. You may lack privilege in some situations. But there are countless ways you may be taking your own privilege for granted.

Recognize Your Relative Power

I’ve compiled a list of examples, organized alphabetically, to help stimulate your thinking.

If you are… you can be an ally to…

  • Able-bodied … people with disabilities, chronic illness, chronic pain, and/or mobility issues
  • Black, Latinx, Asian, Native American … Each other
  • Cisgender … transgender and nonbinary individuals
  • Employed … people who are unemployed or underemployed, independent contractors
  • Female … men and nonbinary individuals
  • Gay or Lesbian … people who identify as bisexual/pansexual
  • Hearing … people who are deaf or hard of hearing
  • Heterosexual … LBGTQ individuals
  • High school or college graduate … someone without formal education
  • Industry insider … someone new to your company or industry
  • Literate … someone who cannot read
  • Male … women and nonbinary individuals
  • Middle- or upper-class … the poor, the working poor, people who are or who have been homeless
  • Millennial, Gen Z, Gen X, Boomers … Other generations
  • Native English speaker … someone for whom English is a second language
  • Neurotypical … people on the Autism spectrum, people with mental illness
  • Non-caregivers … people caring for adults with physical or intellectual disabilities, people caring for elderly parents or parents with dementia
  • Non-veterans … veterans and active-duty military personnel
  • Not in prison … people in prison or with a criminal record
  • Parent … people without children (and vice versa); partnered parents can also be allies to single parents
  • Safe at home … someone in an abusive relationship
  • Seeing … people who are blind
  • Sober … people with addictions to drugs, alcohol, or prescription painkillers
  • White … people of color

Be Honest with Yourself

Can you identify one or more areas where you have more power than others (in other words, privilege)? Is there an identity, experience, or demographic group that you’ve noticed has been belittled, bullied, ignored, or excluded in your workplace?

Now be honest. Have you contributed to this abuse in the past? Or have you been complicit by staying silent when you know abuse is taking place? You may have missed opportunities to be an ally in the past. You may not have recognized that you had a role to play.

Where to Begin

Begin your ally journey by reading books, blogs, or magazine articles from the perspective of someone with a marginalized identity, demographic, or experience. Do this often. Soon, you’ll begin to see nuances in different people’s perceptions of the world from within a shared perspective.

Think critically about how different individuals would feel in the situations you’ve witnessed at work. You may not know yet how you will intervene in the future, but training yourself to recognize opportunities is a good start.

Build a Relationship

Next, imagine you’re having dinner with a famous person whose identity, experience, or demographics match those you seek to support. You would probably talk to them about their body of work, their family, their upcoming travel plans. You wouldn’t ask them to educate you about their experience of difference.

Now, can you imagine a similar conversation with a colleague? Invite them out for a cup of coffee and get to know them as a person.

Do the Work of a Leader

Finally, speak and act with courage. Leaders must be willing to do what is right, especially when doing so goes against the grain. When you speak up for others by addressing microaggressions or calling out blatant discrimination, you establish yourself as a person of integrity. Others will see you as a leader and an ally. And, in those times when you feel you are being cast aside, you might find that you have new champions who speak up for you.

After all, you’ll already have set an example for them to follow. And isn’t that what makes a leader?

Inclusive Networking: 3 Ways to Say “You’re Welcome”

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Identifying missing perspectives in your network is relatively easy. And finding people who can fill those gaps isn’t terribly difficult. But how do you attract people who differ from you? How do you make yourself the light in the room to which they are drawn? In this article, I propose three pillars of inclusive networking that you can use, not just to bring people to you, but also to bring out the best in them. These pillars are: acceptance, respect, and empathy.

Author’s Note: This article is adapted from my book Network Beyond Bias.

Inclusive Networking Begins with Acceptance

The first step in inclusive networking is acceptance. In fact, you cannot be inclusive of someone at all until you can accept them as they are.

For many of us, our first instinct when we encounter conflict is to attempt to convert or persuade the other party to our way of thinking. Instead, go into the conversation with the mindset that the person you are about to meet is an expert.

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” For many of us, though, both critical thinking and preconceived notions become obstacles to understanding. Asking challenging questions can be perceived as disagreement, resulting in more conflict and greater barriers to understanding. That’s why I try to accept first.

It was this critical step that led me to be a vocal, if imperfect, ally to the transgender community. I had spent so much time getting in my own way, trying to understand the “why,” that I missed the whole point. Finally, I realized I don’t need to know why something exists to acknowledge that it’s there. Similarly, I don’t need to understand how someone developed their woldview to accept that it exists. And I don’t need the social context and psychological frameworks that led to someone else’s identity to believe that their identity is real.

When you meet someone new, accept them for who they are. Accept that their experiences, opinions, and talents are theirs and theirs alone. Once you’ve mastered accepting what is, you’ll be amazed at how much more quickly you can move to understanding.

Inclusive Networking Requires Respect

Respect is the next essential tool for inclusive behaviors. My favorite definition of respect comes from my kids’ karate dojo:

respect, verb, to feel or show polite or courteous responses to the wishes or judgments of others

You’ll notice that there is no mention of agreement. No requirement exists to give the person money for their cause. On the other hand, there’s no room there for hostility. You can disagree, just be polite about it. That’s it. Easy peasy. Right?

Let’s work with some concrete examples to make it real.

  • You probably know how to spell and pronounce your CEO’s first and last name.
  • Imagine an executive at your company expressed a strong political view after hours. She asks for your opinion, which is in contrast to hers. You would likely find a diplomatic response, and you would do so quickly.
  • When your boss presents during a meeting, you don’t roll your eyes, scroll through Facebook, or interrupt her. (At least, I hope you don’t.)
  • You’re aware that your most important client is allergic to shellfish, so you avoid taking him to seafood restaurants when you’re in town.

You’re polite and considerate when you have to be. But can you say that about everyone you work with? Watch your behaviors for a few weeks and see if you treat everyone with real respect. If not, you’re going to limit your ability to engage in inclusive networking. Do some deep reflection on your biases, assumptions, and intentions. Then think about the impact you might be having on the people around you.

Empathy: Your #LifeGoals for Inclusive Networking

The ultimate tool for inclusive networking is empathy. Once you’ve mastered acceptance and started practicing universal respect, it’s time to level up.

Empathy is the ability to understand how someone else is feeling, and then to adapt your own behavior accordingly. If you’re thinking, “WHOA. That’s awfully touchy-feely,” you may be right. But that doesn’t make it unimportant. In fact, it’s an easy way to set yourself apart as a great leader in a hypermasculine or otherwise toxic work environment.

Perhaps you think having empathy is like having a sixth sense. The truth is, empathy is a skill that can be developed over time. Start small, by naming your own feelings as you have them. Over time, build up the courage to ask others how they’re feeling. For example, you might say, “I heard your presentation went really well this morning. That must make you feel proud of your work.” It feels weird at first, but the feedback you’ll get (watch for verbal and nonverbal cues) will make you want to continue. Pretty soon, people will be coming to you for advice because you’re so good at understanding them! When this happens, you’ll know your inclusive networking efforts are truly paying off: you’ve become a mentor!

If you want to dive into this topic further, I highly recommend Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradbury and Jean Graves. The book includes a self-assessment to help you target your efforts where you need the most help.

My Book, My Business, and My Mission

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I recently connected with Executive Coach Andre Boykin of Capital Idea. The first question he asked me was, “What are you creating in the world?” I loved the way he phrased the question. And I hope he doesn’t mind that I will be using it in the future. Later that day, I had an equally energizing conversation with Poised for Excellence author and Founder & CEO of WordSmith Rapport, Karima Mariama-Arthur. By speaking with these experts, I found myself becoming clearer about my mission and how I can best articulate it.

My (First) Book

My book, Network Beyond Bias, will help working professionals assess and improve the diversity of their networks. I based the book on four guiding principles:

  • People don’t recognize their default behaviors, nor are they aware of who is missing from their professional networks.
  • Many people are interested in the diversity & inclusion initiatives underway in their companies and industries, but don’t understand the role they can play.
  • The more connected we all are, the more opportunity we will create for ourselves and for each other.
  • Leaders can be anywhere, and should be everywhere, at all levels of an organization.

My Business

I started Lead at Any Level LLC to promote leadership, diversity & inclusion, and career management skills for busy professionals. My current offerings include public speaking engagements, training sessions, and one-on-one mentoring. Assets to-date include a blog, a growing and engaged social media audience, and several original presentations that can be adapted to a variety of audiences.

As my business grows, I plan to expand into consultancy. My mission, ultimately, will be to help companies find and develop their “hidden” leaders, transform their workforce demographics, and accelerate organic growth through well-connected, emotionally intelligent employees.

In the meantime, I am also looking for strategic partnerships that will allow me to build lasting relationships while fulfilling my mission.

My Background

My background includes 20 years in Information Technology, with over a decade in progressive management roles. I am a Prosci Certified Change Practitioner, hold two bachelor’s degrees from Indiana University, and serve on two national diversity committees. I am a member of National Speakers Association and have advanced communication and leadership awards from Toastmasters International. My presentations include original insights and content you won’t find anywhere else. Recent audiences range in number from a few dozen to several hundred, and have included insurance professionals, association executives, university faculty, military veterans, and college students.

My Invitation to You

Are you on a mission? Do our interests and goals overlap? Let’s Get Acquainted!